Just my own stubborn way, the "I can cope" stance. Or maybe some will think that I'm playing the "martyr".
Its not though, I think if I try and do everything then everyone else will be ok. I'll deal with myself later, but then later never comes and I never deal with how I feel myself, then I end up in counselling and prozac!
Now I'm beginning to realise that it is important to let others do things. They need to feel included in Mums care. If I take over too much, they may resent it at a later date, Its good that everyone is involved.
Today I have stepped back and let my sister take her for todays appointments, while I come to work.
What I am doing at work though, it isn't 'business as usual', I'm creating systems so that the company can run without me, if I'm needed at home or I can't make it to work.
Talking of support, I want to mention my boyfriend, up to now he has been brilliant, and I know he will continue to be. He's staying with me this week to help out. And just by being there, everything seems a bit calmer, I don't feel pressurised by anything.
I worry about my siblings though, the realisation that we are going to be orphans. I'm not certain how they are going to cope.
The one thing I DO know for a fact is that 400,000 people are diagnosed with lung cancer every year, by my reckoning thats over 100 people per DAY are told that they have this disease, so I know that we are NOT alone and I suppose that whatever each of us is feeling isn't unique.
What is scary though is if 100 people a day are told they have this, then doing the maths, those that have families are also affected the same way we have been, that will be hundreds and hundreds of people -per day who are devastated by this illness, and this is just lung cancer! What about the other cancers?
Then theres the people who dont have any family, now theres a scary thought!
I don't want people to think this blog is self indulgant, though writing about it is actually helping, a lot. I genuinely hope that one day my posts about my feelings and thoughts, as well as the practical issues will help someone going through the same thing.
I guess I have been feeling a bit guilty about not having an emotional outburst, or going to pieces. But one of us HAS to stay focussed, don't they? How can I possibly look after the emotional needs of mum, my siblings etc if I fall to pieces too?
It's good that you are using Blog to get things off your chest but it's also important not to hide your feelings even if it means breaking down in tears now and then. It may even help your Mum to be part of your pain. Playing "strong" is out-dated and very damaging. All of you should have the strength to show your emotions as much as being there for each other. That includes your Mum. Tears are not shameful they are one of many demonstrations of love. Be kind to each other and make allowance for every emotion and remember there are others you can call on.
ReplyDeleteGBWY all.