Reclaimed Day

Just a quick follow on from yesterdays post, I think we managed to reclaim the day.

Mum came for tea and before long I had a house full of people again, my brother, sister, niece, mum, my boyfriend, and of course me and my son.

All laughing at nothing in particular to the point where we were crying hysterically, and breaking wind because we were laughing so hard!

Mum said to me not so long ago that the best times of her life and memorable days were day like this, when we were just sat about laughing, happy and being silly. The whole family.

So in my opinion, the day was reclaimed.

Then this morning when I woke, I felt a bit sad, sad because one day in the near future, the laughing will stop. There will be a space on my setee where she always sits and a space in my heart and no mum at the end of the phone

Wasted Days

I have heard on a soap opera this week, that every day is precious.

So why do we seem to insist on wasting days? I have seen mum today, I took her some flowers that my church gave to her. Then this afternoon I have had a nap.
Funny when I woke up, I felt guilty for wasting the day.

I did originally intend on doing something memorable this weekend. Maybe a day out, but instead, chores seem to have taken over. We have still spent a lot of time together, just not in the way that I would have liked.

Mums next cycle of chemo begins on Wednesday, and she seems to be full of energy this weekend. She has wanted to paint the bathroom. So she cancelled our breakfast plans and painted instead.

I think there must be a sense of urgency of getting chores done in case the chemo wipes her out again.

I'm waiting for tea time a the minute so she can join us. At 5pm is it too late to try and reclaim the day? Maybe, but now I'm thinking, If mum has done something she wanted to then surely the day hasnt been wasted.

Hair

Yesterday saw the first day that Mums hair started to fall out.

Although we were warned and we knew that this is what would happen as a result of the chemo, its still a shock when it starts to happen.

She said it just started coming out in clumps.

My sister was taking her for her wig appointment, so it looks like that has come at a good time.

When I heard about her hair falling out I suppose I was a bit scared to see her, in case it was really bad, I think its so upsetting, how would I react, maybe that would be my crumbling point? When I did see her, it actually wasn't that noticeable, for now anyway.

Its strange think don't you think that the hair loss is one of the most distressing parts of this, and its actually a side effect of the treatment and not a symptom of the illness.

Part of me thinks that its a small price to pay for longevity, and its actually a part of your body that we take for granted but it actually serves no real physical purpose, I mean we can live without hair.

Maybe your hair is a sign of vitality or individuality, femininity and when this is gone you feel like you loose all of these things.

Maybe once you lose your hair people start to notice that you are ill, after all mum still looks so well at the minute, so then it becomes obvious that your not well.

She did ask me this morning about how I would feel if it were me, and I honestly don't know.

I DO know, however, that the wig that she has picked is superb, far better than I ever imagined, really, no-one would ever know, it just looks so natural, even the colour, style, looks like she has just stepped out from a salon.

I must point out at this time, It doesn't suit me.....................in the slightest!!!!

:)

news

As you know yesterday I took mum to the hospital.

I managed to snag a wheelchair from the entrance (which incidentally have a pound coin attachment like at the supermarkets, which always tickles me for some reason), we seemed to wait ages for an x ray but by the time we had finished at radiology it was 2.55pm. Her appointment at the lung centre which is at the other side of the hospital was at 3pm.
Anyone that knows me will know that I absolutley loath being late. I managed to do a quick pace wheeling her down the maze of coridors to ensure that we got there in time.

By the time we got to the reception of the lung centre I was out of breath and thinking that I was glad I have stopped smoking.

After checking in at reception we were told to go into the waiting area. Well through these double doors, there were loads of people! After all my rushing about.

Funny how mum can get out of the wheelchair to get the OK magazine off the table though to read while we waited our turn.

The appointment was for a review after her first cycle of chemo. Asking how she was feeling and how she reacted to it and also to look at her x rays to see if there had been any kind of improvement.

We explained how rough mum had been the other Sunday with the sickness and dioarhea, and also shown the doctor mums tongue which seems swollen and cracked.
The doctor sems to think that the next cycle of chemo might not be as bad as they will give us some anti dioarhea and strong anti sickness drugs and also some mouthwash for her tongue.

The lethargy is just completely natural but I think this is probably the hardest thing for mum as she always been so active.

After comparing the x rays from one she had taken the day before the chemo a few weeks ago against the one she had yesterday it does look like it is responding to the chemo.
A ct scan will be done after the third lot of chemo to be a bit more definate but for the time being, as mum seems to be tolerating the treatment its worth persuing.

When the doctor asked mum if there was anything else she wanted to ask, she said yes but it was personal. I moved in my seat because I was going to get up and leave the room, then mum went on to ask the doctor how old she was. I think it took the doctor and me by suprise a bit.
Mums just said ' you look so young' .

In the car coming home mum said that all the time we have known about the illness she has never once thought 'why me?'
I thought that was a natural reaction and maybe it will come later on, or maybe people dont react the same, I really dont know, I think Ive got some more reading to do really before next week.

I want to brush up on the chemo information and also the booklet about feelings.

Well after my sudden emotional momentary loss of fluid from my eyes yesterday, I've been ok.

Today I am taking mum to the hospital for another x ray and an appointment with the oncologist for a review of her treatment.

He tongue seems a bit swollen at the moment and my sister stayed over at her house last night so she wasn't alone.

While we are out today we are stopping off to get some passport style photos taken so we can apply for a disabled badge. (is it so wrong to be excited about getting a disabled badge?)

:)

The forms read absolutely hysterical and had me crying laughing and wheezing, to the point where my brother said I sounded possessed.

I don't ever recall howling that much with laughter.

It was just one simple question about and I quote "please tick the box that best describes the way you walk" followed by a list of examples for example limp, stagger, shuffle.

Then (and this is the best bit) "if there is not a box that describes the way you walk please tell us in your own words about the way you walk"

Well to me this leaves the imagination running a complete riot.

Walk like an Egyption

Everybody walk the dinosaur

You can tell by the way I use my walk im a womans man - no time to talk

I walk unnecessary

With all my laughing, I'm not even sure now if I did actually tick a box!

I just hope that if I didn't tick a box they don't phone to ask, that would just be far too much.

lol

Family, Faith and Fear

This weekend has actually been quite good. Although some people have said that I seem a bit angry ( I do however believe this is due to the fact that I'm now off my nicotine replacement patches)

Friday ended up being a nightmare, I managed to get mum some anti sickness drugs from the cancer unit, after two trips to the unit which is about 11 miles away! I was a bit angry when I turned up at 4.45pm, I know the unit closes at 5pm but guess what? no-one was there!!!

I ended up texting my sister, saying ring the unit and tell them to let me in. After a quick trip to the hospital pharmacy and huffing and carrying my two year old (who for some reason flatly refused to walk at this point), we got the drugs!

Everything you read always tell you to try and maintain your normal routine so as Saturday Mornings for the past two years has consisted of me mum and my son, going to a little cafe for breakfast, we thought we would still go, even if she had something small to eat.

As we are still waiting for a wheelchair I was very aware of how to drop her off, I ended up pulling up right outside the cafe on a busy main road and trying to get that close to the cafe door as possible I managed to clip my wing mirror on the roadside sign they have. lol.

Apparantly mum now thinks I'm trying too hard!

She managed to eat something and is gradually getting her appetite back, which I suppose is a good sign.

Saturday afternoon saw me having a houseful of family members, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, as well as our imediate family, which was nice, just all sat about chatting. A few watery eyes as for them it was the first time they had seen mum since the diagnosis.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that when terrible things like this happen people start to turn to Religion and faith, or even sometimes turn their back on their faith.

As a relatively new member of the Unitarian Church, I have my own views on all this, and a few conversations over the weekend have led me to question certain things and my own beliefs.

I suppose that although I may have appeared sombre and a bit meloncholy over the weekend I have been thinking, but then all this thinking seems to has ultimatley led to one thing.....fear.

Fear for myself, fear for my family, and ultimately, fear for my mum.

How scary is that? to be told that you may only have a few months left, I've been thinking ' how would I feel if it was me?'

and I think the answer is this - Firstly my thoughts would turn to my son. He's only two.

So how does my mum feel, three of us to think of, I know we are grown up's now but to her I guess we will always be her babies.

I havnt spoke to my mum in depth about how she truly feels about the diagnosis yet, but her initial reactions were very matter of fact, firstly that she had brought it all on herself with smoking for all them years, and then very astutely "Well what am I going to do with myself for the next twenty years...........watch Jeremy Kyle?"

People fear death because it truely is the unknown, and all we have is our own faith and beliefs.

What is sad is that I feel like my life is just starting, a two year old son, a new relationship, a new approach and understanding of life through my church. She isnt going to be around to see how it all unfolds.

The fear for myself comes in many forms, yesterday when she was playing with my son, I made a point of looking at her in the hope that I will be able to remember that image forever.

And there we have it, my eyes are suddenly leaking.

Doctors, Drugs & Elton John

Where do I start this morning?

Feels like its been SO busy!

Firstly lets start off with saying that Mum is doing ok, she's managing to get her make up on, which like me, is definitly a sign that she feeling ok. We have been trying to organise a wheelchair for her, as she can barely walk without getting exhausted.

The district nurse has now referred her for one, so hopefully when we get one we can get her out and about a bit more. Though I must point out that if anyone sees us out and about then be rest assured that we may need 'L' plates! :)

I know my sister took her out in one round the supermarket the other day and she said it was a nightmare, especially with a silly shopping trolley attached to the front, the unit become about 8ft long, with mum feeling like she was going to be sick, and swiping things off the shelves. She said it was more like a 'Little Britain' sketch. ' I want that one' Then just as they got to the end of the shop, guess what, mum felt like she was going to be sick so my poor sister wheeled her at high speed right to the toilet (at the other end of the supermarket) then after getting there, Mum said, "I feel alright now" lol

Drugs seem to be absolutely all over the show, the anti sickness pills have ran out, so the district nurse organised for some others, but then last night she was sick again, bearing in mind it was about 6.30pm I ended up phoning all different people, trying to get her the same ones that the cancer unit had supplied.

After about 6 phone calls later I managed to get her some prescribed.

After thinking about it all though last night, I have a sneaking suspicion that what is causing the sickness is the anti biotics.

So this morning I have phoned the cancer unit and have been told to go in and collect some prescription - More drugs! What joy!!!

Seriously need to keep a clear head we have that many at the moment!

As for Elton John - Well on the radio on the way to work this morning, "Im still Standing was playing"

'I'm still standing, better than I ever did, feeling like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid'

Thats how I feel at the minute, that I'm still standing - strong.