Support

Do you know whats really nice? The amount of support that my friends have been offering. Whether or not I will ask for it when I need it though is another matter.

Just my own stubborn way, the "I can cope" stance. Or maybe some will think that I'm playing the "martyr".

Its not though, I think if I try and do everything then everyone else will be ok. I'll deal with myself later, but then later never comes and I never deal with how I feel myself, then I end up in counselling and prozac!

Now I'm beginning to realise that it is important to let others do things. They need to feel included in Mums care. If I take over too much, they may resent it at a later date, Its good that everyone is involved.

Today I have stepped back and let my sister take her for todays appointments, while I come to work.

What I am doing at work though, it isn't 'business as usual', I'm creating systems so that the company can run without me, if I'm needed at home or I can't make it to work.

Talking of support, I want to mention my boyfriend, up to now he has been brilliant, and I know he will continue to be. He's staying with me this week to help out. And just by being there, everything seems a bit calmer, I don't feel pressurised by anything.

I worry about my siblings though, the realisation that we are going to be orphans. I'm not certain how they are going to cope.

The one thing I DO know for a fact is that 400,000 people are diagnosed with lung cancer every year, by my reckoning thats over 100 people per DAY are told that they have this disease, so I know that we are NOT alone and I suppose that whatever each of us is feeling isn't unique.

What is scary though is if 100 people a day are told they have this, then doing the maths, those that have families are also affected the same way we have been, that will be hundreds and hundreds of people -per day who are devastated by this illness, and this is just lung cancer! What about the other cancers?

Then theres the people who dont have any family, now theres a scary thought!

I don't want people to think this blog is self indulgant, though writing about it is actually helping, a lot. I genuinely hope that one day my posts about my feelings and thoughts, as well as the practical issues will help someone going through the same thing.

I guess I have been feeling a bit guilty about not having an emotional outburst, or going to pieces. But one of us HAS to stay focussed, don't they? How can I possibly look after the emotional needs of mum, my siblings etc if I fall to pieces too?

Im glad to say that the diarhoea has cleared up, Mums now managing to get about, downstairs at least.
Tommorow is the first of many more appointments. 8.30 for blood test then onto the hospital for another ct scan.
Her last one was March so there is every chance that the cancer has progressed even further.

I still cant believe the amount of information and appointmenets we got bombarded with last week, x-rays, scans, blood tests, chemo, anti sickness drugs, anti biotics. And this is just the beginning.

Me? I feel fine, I thought that maybe one day this week I would have been in emotional turmoil, but I havn't.
When I talk to myself in my head I always think that Mum although not old by any means at 66, it could be a lot worse! I look around at these children who are terminal, the other night I caught a glimpse on television of a 12 year old girl who died of a terminal illness. That must be every parents nightmare.

Its inevitable that our parents die before us, isn't it?

My dad died SO suddenly back in 1996, it completely floored us all. No last goodbyes, no closure.
At least we know, thats all I can say to everyone. We can ask the questions we want to ask, say the things we want to, cherish moments.

Mum talks a lot to me, and she has said she feels that she can talk to me becuase Im the "strong one". I suppose I always try and see the positive side in things.

We have had a laugh about a few things.
A nurse offered mum a wig book to view. Apparntly she may start to loose her hair in about 3 weeks time so its best to try and get a wig similar to what her hair is like now.

My reaction to that was "Why on earth would you want a wig exactly the same as that?" lol
And "you better make sure you put your wig on before you take the bin out - you dont want the neighbours thinking Uncle Fester has moved in at number 6" lol

We had a laugh though I know from when I was having counselling not so long ago, my counsellor called this gallows humour. I just think that we have to try and see the funny side of things.

She also said about drawing her eyebrows back on when she is laid out in her coffin, I said" well we need to make sure thats done right, otherwise you might look suprised!"

I suppose we all deal with things in our own way. Laughing about it is just mine and mums way.

Im halfway through my working day andI feel like I have done nothing. Mainly because I keep flicking to my emails and this page.

I keep thinking and saying to myself that death is the only guarantee in this life, the most certain of all things is that our bodies will die.

Yesterday was a bad day, Mum had forgot to take her anti sickness drug on Saturday night and Sunday was just a mess, vomitting and pooing like I have never seen. Seemed like every time she moved.

All this was somehow familiar though, my gran died of stomache cancer is 2003 and although was never diagnosed until after her death, she was the same.

Hopefully this upset stomache is just due to the chemo. I suppose its a lot to take, she had it Wednesday, Thursday and Friday!

When I went with her for the first dose, as I looked up and saw the bag on the IV stand I commented about how harmless it looks, just a bag of clear liquid, so innocent, yet you know that it is going to poison her body in the hope that it extends her life just a little.

So I was cleaning and phoning the doctor, luckily she managed to keep her anti sickness drug down and then later I managed to get a prescription for anti diaorhea (sorry I dont really know how to spell that), In and out of sleep.

I keep thinking about that old saying that we are born babies and then as the later stages of our life progress we return to being babies.

So today, how do I feel? theres only one word I have used - numb

Why cant I feel anything?

I havn't cried, not even when they told us the news. Is this a natural reaction?

I believe your brain has an inbuilt safety mechanism that allows you to carry on as normal so you can carry on with day to day life.

On 22nd June 2010, my mum was diagnosed with extensive small cell lung cancer.

The prognosis wasnt good, if it doesnt respond to chemo she may have as little as 3 months.

If it does then maybe 12-18 months.

I guess this blog is not only to help me cope and deal with it all, but maybe try and help others that are going through the same thing.

Chemo started on Wednesday 23rd June.