One In Three

Im happy to say that weekend was really good. I have attached a photo of my niece and Mum taken in the back of the car on Saturday night.

We all decided to go to Blackpool to go to the illuminations. Mum was very quiet most of the evening but she managed to have a burger in Macdonalds.

She has been feeling sick at the mere thought of food.

He cough has also returned but now being sick froth at the end of a coughing incident.

When she went to the chest clinic on Tuesday she was told that they could see something on her x ray but was too soon to be the cancer growing back.

Was more than likely to be an infection. So she has been given some anti biotics and see how she gets on, another 4 weeks and she will have another C.T scan, X ray and another appointment with the oncologist.

Its been a bit tough for me this week as I have my own health issues that could be quite relevant to the progress of this blog.

Ill give you a brief run down.............. When I was 17 (a long time ago now!) I had an abnormal smear, I was told by my GP that it was nothing to worry about and to go away "you silly girl"

When I left home I got myself a new GP, you maybe suprised to learn it was in fact Dr Shipman (yes the GP that bumped off a couple of hundred of his patients)

He repeated the smear and pretty soon I found myself up having laser treatment for cell which were CIN 1

Having many smears over the years, a lot come back normal, a few slight changes but then returned to normal.

Then in 2007 I was diagnosed with these abnormal cells again. Treatment was booked but then I fell pregnant. So treatment was deferred until I had my son.

I had a treatment called cold coagulation in October 2008 and had a couple of normal smears since.

I was told 6 months ago that the last one shown some changes but they hoped they would revert back to normal on their own.

After another check.......they havn't and now its looking like I need treatment again for these abnormal cells.

SO.................now I give you some background........On hearing about pending treatment on Tuesday, I seem to have got a bit down about the whole thing.

Statistically ONE IN THREE people are directly affected by cancer, thinking about our trip to Blackpool on Saturday night.....there were 7 of us in the car...........

I know that 'abnormal cells' dont mean you have cancer, but there is a real chance they MAY become cancer and I don't think anyone can blame me for being very wary given all my history.

I hate all the waiting............In the back of your mind you always fear the worst. I'm so sickenly happy at the moment I just waiting for some tragic thing to happen to blow it all apart.

I suppose that all this that has been happening to me feels insignificant next to whats going on with Mum, but maybe it has also given me a tiny bit of insight into how mum was feeling when they were prodding her all the time trying to secure a diagnosis.

Today though, I feel fine. On top of the world in fact. Like I can take whatever life might throw at me. Bring it on!

Cancer may have put a huge dent in my emotions but I REFUSE to let in ruin my life

Well last night I think we had a breakthrough, Mum came to my house for an hour.

It was slightly awkward but the conversation went ' I got a new cancer victim scarf'

I replied ' I got a new cardigan'

Funny my boyfriend stayed out of the way and went upstairs for the entire duration if her visit.

He said it was family stuff and that he shouldn't be involved, but he is part of the family now and I think judging by the conversation we never even spoke about the issues that had led us not to be talking in the first place.

It was just normal conversation.

I was suprised at how well she actually looks, I was thinking that after a month of not seeing her I was expecting her to have deterioated. I think she actually wanted to stay a bit longer but I said I was doing tea and bathing my son etc.

So we'll see what happens this weekend, whether she come up again, I think it might take a bit of time to rebuild this, but we have made a start

Taking its Toll

Its now been 4 weeks since I spoke to Mum.

I understand that this radiotherapy on her brain has really taken a toll on her.

I have been told that she is very lethargic and that her hair will never grow back as they have zapped her full head with the radio waves.

Her cough seems to have come back and is feeling a bit sick,

What I was reading was that when you have radiotherapy on the base of the brain this stimulates the areas that makes you feel sick.

After talking with someone about the blog last week, I decided that as a last attempt at getting through to mum to print it all off - in order - and made it like a book, I put it all in a folder and gave it to my sibling to give to her. I wrote a note to say - read it ALL

When I was printing it off and putting it all together in the folder, my eyes caught a glimpse of a paragraph that choked me.

Maybe if she read it she will understand what exactly it is doing to us all and this not talking to me now is getting silly.

Yesterday I was going to go and see her but now all thats in the back of my head is the 'note' saying "stay away from me"

What if I went and was greeted with the same sentiment? If that were to happen then there really would be no going back from that, I think.

Rejection from a parent? How the hell are you meant to cope with that?

I have been told that when she is feeling a bit better she will come and see me, but I also think, what if she doesn't feel any better this time?

What if this is the start of the gradual decline in her health? So one of us has got to put a stop to all this.