A day out at the hospital!

Well what a day!!!!

Today mum has had blood tests, x-rays, ecg's and ultrasounds.
Blood tests have come back that her blood count is low at the moment and put the number 60 (whatever that's meant to mean) on it. Apparntly if it drops as low as 10 or if she starts showing signs of any infection they will do a blood transfusion.
Because of her low blood count now she needs to be extra careful not to pick up any infections of any kind.
I think now the seriousness of having a demolished immune system because of the chemo is finally sinking in with mum.

The chest x ray that she had done today has come back that the cancer in the middle of her chest is shrinking slightly although the next ct scan that she has (on 9th August) will show more definitive results. The words 'your x ray looks encouraging' are such a nice sound to the ears.

The ultrasound - well this is something else!!!. Mum had been complaining that her right foot keeps going numb and white, (as white as a corpse she tells everyone when she's describing it)
The cancer unit decided that it would be best to send her for an ultrasound, this has shown something that could be quite sinister, a blood clot.

Apparantly when someone has cancer the blood becomes thickened, then chemo thickens again and then because mum was so dehydrated after the first session of chemo this also causes the blood to thicken, this combined with years of smoking and narrowing of the arteries, has caused this blood clot.
They have given her some statin cholestrol drugs alongside asprin to try and thin out her blood and will review the situation the week after he next cycle of chemo.

All in all we were at the hospital about 7 hours.
I cant believe the amount of walking and pushing her about in her wheelcahir I have done.
First, we went from car park to cancer unit, for blood tests and consultation with oncologist.

Then we were told that the scan and x ray might not be able to take place until 1pm so we went for a walk and saw my car had been given a parking ticket! A whopping £60, obviously I was furious, I wheeled mum at high speed over to the other side of the hospital to track down the appeals office, to where I was told that I had to appeal in writing.

Taking Mum back over to the cancer unit she said "you do know Im not strapped in this chair dont you?"
Well Ive no idea how fast she thought I was going to wheel her around!

When we got back to the cancer unit they performed an ecg, then told us we could go over to the x ray unit, which incidentally is on the other side of the hospital.

After waiting a short while Mum had her x ray and we returned to the cancer unit. No sooner had we entered we were told that the ultrasound at the vasicular studies was ready for her so could we make our way over there, guess where that was? Just upstairs from the x ray department! SO again we did the trek accross the hospital. Mum said that my way of wheeling her about was not disimilar to the ghost train, especially when I come to get her through doors backwards.

We were seen pretty fast and I went in and watched as they scanned her legs. You could see, even to an onlooker that as the scanner (not that disimilar to one when your having a baby) went further down the leg the artery was narrowing and blood supply wasnt as it should be, this became more apparant when they did the non problematic leg.

We then headed back over to the cancer unit where we had another consult with the oncologist who viewed her x rays and told us the news about it shrinking.
He then told us that he was going to get a vascular surgeon down to obtain his opinion over the 'dead foot'

We seemed to be waiting an absolute age. Eventually the man came, an oriental man, who was very abrupt in his approach but very funny. Definately a no nonsense approach! Fantastic!

I asked if mum should undress from the waist down and he replied, rather cheekily, 'no Ill do that myself in a little while'

he asked mum a series of questions about any other medical history to which mum has always been healthy, he did stress that he was going to ask her specific questions and be very thorough and in return he wanted straight forward quick answers. Mum still did her thing........... "well, I was in the bath and I noticed............ blah blah................been about 4 or 5 days now..........." not the kind of quick fire answers I think he was expecting.

After his conculsion about the diagnosis he precscribed the drugs and yet again we went accross to the other side of the hospital to the pharmacy for the drugs!

While we sat in the pharmacy waiting, mum commented about the vascular surgeon, and said he was quite frightening and that she could picture him with a samurai sword ready for her to get her answers wrong, I then said 'ooo what was that programme?......................Kenco, thats it". After a short pause I corrected myself........." Tenko!!!!"

Good grief, I went off laughing, crying and wheezing to the point where the pharmacist came out to see if I was ok.
I think after 7 hours in the hospital, pushing mum backwards and forwards, getting a parking ticket for something I hadnt done, Just all added up to bursting point!

I did say to my sister this last might that I was concerned as mum appeared to be a bit jaundice in my opinion, to which my sister informed me that mum had just been at the tan wipes - 20 for £1 so looks like mums just gone a bit crazy with them.

Good Weekend

Well I'm happy to say we had a good weekend.



Saturday saw our morning jaunt to the cafe, though Mum refused to use her wheelchair to go to the cafe.



On the plus side she had phoned me at work on the Friday to tell me that her disabled badge had arrived.



After a slow walk and back to the cafe from the car park, we headed off to the park where I knew there was a brass band playing.



For this I made her get in her wheel chair, if not only for the fact you cant guarentee if there was going to be enough seats.



By this time my son, whos two years old, had become a bit tired, so I pushed my son and my boyfriend pushed mum.



We found a spot and sat listening to the band. I got up for a quick walk and when I returned, I realised that mum really wasnt doing herself any favours in this chair at all, hood of her jacket up as it was raining, but it was up over her hat, her whole appearance and body language said she was terminally ill.


I said we need Gok Wan to come and do a new show - 'How to look good in a wheelchair'


We sat and laughed on the bench as we were saying how much patience my sister has to do hair.
I commented that I was like mum in that respect, no patience when it comes to things like that. After a short pause, I said, 'well that explains why your in a hat, and Ive got a clip in hairpiece' lol


Halfway through the band playing I had to dash back home to meet someone who had bought something from me off the internet, when I returned back to meet them, they had started to walk up the road because it had started raining.

Mum was pushing my son in his buggy, while my boyfriend pushed mum, so it looked like they had a little train going.


Mum said they were having a right laugh and she didn't care that people were looking.


I still havnt seen whats left of Mums hair, she did ask me when we were sat in the car if I would like to see it, I replied, 'not right now, while im about to drive off!' Then she said that she didnt want to show me as she thinks it will be too upsetting, part of me wants to see, I feel brave enough now to look.

She said she hates the fact that at the side of her bed, there are mirrors, so now she doesnt even look, just gets up and puts her hat straight on.


Sunday saw mum wanted to go shopping, so I took her, she managed to walk around the supermarket, as slowly she is getting her energy back, from that last lot of chemo. Though she did go a bit wild in the ailses, throwing allsorts in the trolley, like she was Vivian Nicholls.

For those of you too young to know who Vivian Nicholls is, she won the football pools, said she was going to spend, spend, spend, then ended up bankrupt.


I have just had word, while typing this that her appointment for Thursday to review her chemo and have a look at her x rays again to see if everything is going according to plan has been moved to tomorrow morning.



As Tuesday's is quite an important day for me at work, I need to make contact with a few people to see what we can arrange for tomorrow, as I need to take her for this appointment.


Hopefully should be ok, I'll work around something ..................I always do.

Pandora's Box

Im sure you all don't need reminding about the story of Pandora's box.

The most important bit I think is right at the end.
She has opened the box and let out, old age, disease, war, death, then she shut the box.
A little voice asking to be let out, this was the voice of hope, hope said, you have to let me out, the world isn't complete without me.

Ive always loved this story and as a child Im sure my mum would tell you that I used to make up a dance to the story in our back garden.

It seems more important than ever now.

After joining a cancer website community, I posted a link to this blog, I have just read a couple of responses I have had, and one in particular made my eyes water, from a girl who also is going through exactly the same thing.

I knew that people out there were going through the same thing but to finally make contact is something beyond words. Lets just say it's precious. All of a sudden you don't feel alone.

This has given me new hope, that its not all doom and gloom, and although yes its going to be tough but mums cancer could respond to the chemo and extend her life beyond what we think. Its just staying positive that maybe is the key.

Nearly a year ago now a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer, she lost her battle just a few months later, when I heard the news from her son, I cried. When I went to visit, I cried.
The tears wern't for myself, it was weird, it was the first time I had ever really shed tears for someone else.
After the doctors had taken away all her hope of recovery or response to treatment, I had some thoughts on hope.

Maybe you shouldnt give up hope, maybe you just change what you hope for.

I know that in my friends case, personally, I hoped for a peaceful, painless end.

So tonight, for mum and our family, I hope that we will get enough time to do what we want, say what we want, have some good times, hope that the cancer will respond to treatment, and stay under control, hope for many months yet.

Im sure I can add to this list, but right now this is all I can see, an image of Pandora, contemplating whether to let hope out of the box, I'm glad she did.

Selfish Old Me

Is it really that selfish of me to want to spend time with Mum? I think not but I get the feeling that what I'm about to say is going to sound awful.

But like I keep saying I want this blog to be as honest about my feelings as I possibly can, all these mixed emotions that I'm having, someone else out there in the big wide world is either having them right now, had them, or unfortunately going to have them.

Mum cancelled our Saturday trip to the cafe, then Sunday we didnt stay long because is was nearing tea time, Monday I was busy doing things like cleaning my house. So yesterday, I had arranged to pick her up later in the afternoon and bring her to my house.
She was too tired to come again. I feel like I'm missing out somehow, my other siblings seem to manage to go and visit her but they don't have a small child, routines and the small inconvenience of work.
So when do I get to spend time with mum?

I was actually quite annoyed a bit yesterday, maybe the anger was directed at myself a bit though, as my Monday cleaning could have waited I suppose, the dirt will still be there tomorrow, what does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Every day that passes that I don't see her is a day closer to her inevitable death, and I've gone and wasted that day, doing mundane shopping, cleaning, working, nothing productive.

I know that medically she is too tired because of the chemo, so then this makes me feel selfish.

I suppose the one good thing that Mum has said recently is this - "If someone asked me what the best time of my life was - I would say right now, the way everyone is looking after me, its brilliant."

Chemo seems to be going ok

Well so far so good, this 2nd cycle seems to be going ok, although very lethargic, at least Mum hasn't been rough with the sickness again. Part of me thinks that if she had been rough with it this time, she might have wanted to give up.

She was too tired to come with us on our day out over the weekend, but we called to see her on our way back.
She didn't have her hat on and it was the first time I have seen her hair properly, it is a lot thinner but I was suprised that her scalp wasn't as pink as what I was expecting.

I was reading on the internet that after you lose your hair you need to start taking care of your scalp a bit more, especially as its an area that isn't usually exposed to sunlight.

I think maybe we are all still in denial about the news, even me. I have been trying to be realistic about the whole thing and keep everyone focussed, yet Sunday evening just a song I heard, (Sandy from Grease, believe it or not) reminds me so much of mum, we have a recording on old chrome audio cassette of her singing it back in the late 70's. When I think hard enough I can still hear her voice, and then remember the other voices on this tape aswell, my sister telling jokes, and me answering "don't know" to everything, even knock knock jokes (well I was about 6 or 7!)
and my dad reciting a poem, a highway man came riding.
Funny I can still here it all as clear as day. Then I started to think I hope I never forget her voice.

So silly isn't it that the smallest of things can trigger this leakage from my eyes

Mum the Comic

So here we are on Saturday, the 2nd Chemo cycle is over. I went to pick mum up yesterday after her last chemo session. She had it over 3 days again.
Of course when I arrive mum is chatting and centre stage of the cancer unit.
As I approached I could hear her say 'heres my daughter now'.
The man next to mum said, ' oh yes I have seen you two before, you were down at x-ray the other week, making everyone laugh'

Mum seems to be just learning how funny she is, without knowing it.

This man remembers me and mum from when we went to the x ray department and mum was in her wheelchair, when the nurse came to wheel mum away for the x-ray I was still sat on the chair at the side, the nurse handed me mums handbag to look after. Mum said, in a loud voice 'You know you have just give my handbag to a stranger, I've no idea who that woman is'

Then later in the pharmacy, which is a very small section of the hospital mum was still in her chair and there was another woman in a wheelchair also in the waiting room. As her son pushed her, her chair collided with mums. After a brief apology and a couple of jokes about needing 'L' plates on them, mum said to this woman's son 'I Bet your more careful with your car'. Well the whole waiting room went up in hysterical laughter.

So back to yesterday, we came away from the unit armed with all the anti sickness and anti diorrhea (am I going to learn how to spell that before this bog is done, I wonder) drugs, so she should find the treatment quite tolerale this time, though I do think the lethargy will no doubt get to her again.

In the car coming home she whipped off her hat, I need to point out at this point that I was travelling about 65mph down the motorway with my window open.
I briefly saw a pink patch of scalp, but because of the way the hat had been, it didnt look too bad.

I was more concerned with the contents of her hat! I really cant explain how much hair was in there, that had just fallen out, then of course, because she had no hat on, it was just falling onto her coat.
My reaction wasnt actually to her loss of hair on her head but to the har that had fallen out!
I said 'F*** I better shut the window before a gust of wind gets in and takes whats left!'

We have planned to go for our usual breakfast at the cafe today, but its hard trying to plan things as I think we will just have to see how she feels.
Its good in a way to plan, becuase it means we are looking at the future, but we all need to be flexible because I think we are realising that plans can quite easily change.

2nd Cycle of Chemo starts

Mum started another cycle of chemo yesterday.

My brother took her for it this time.

With all the waiting for blood tests, and she needed weighing they were at the cancer unit about 7 hours in total.

I was recently asked if I believe in miracles, my answer was that I believe in every day miracles, things that we take for granted.

The way the chemotherapy works and the human body is a miracle in itself. The scans, everything, they are miracles of science.

The bags of chemo are made up specifically for mum, and calibrated to her height, weight and no doubt other various specifics, which is something I didn't know.

I think I just assumed that they had the bags of this stuff lying about and just hook it up and away you go.

She phoned me last night, I was expecting her to be a bit rough but she was absolutely full of beans, she had been talking to a woman who was also terminal and mum has seen just how lucky she is having a loving family and living relatively close by to the unit.

This woman lived approximately 40 miles away and had no relatives to bring her for her chemo.

Today's chemo session shouldn't be as long as she just has one drug today.

Hopefully I will be able to take her somewhere nice at weekend and give the wheelchair a spin.

:)

Don't let me see

'How bad is it?'

'Hope she has got her hat on'

' I don't want to see that just now, I need to go to work'

'What if she hasn't got her hat on? Will I cry? Will she cry? I cant cry, not right now, I don't have the time to get all upset, I'm going to be late for work'

All thoughts that were racing through my head this morning, while I was driving to mums to sort out her T.V before I had to go to work.

Now I see it all written down, looks a bit selfish, all to do with MY reaction, but so what, I'm entitled to my feelings too arn't I?

Mums hair has been really falling out now, just when clothes touch her, or brushing it.

Last night she decided to wash her hair. I know that when she spoke to my sister she still had the towel on her head and was too frightened to look.

So when I was told this morning to go and sort out her t.v on my way to work, I was so worried, I didn't know what I was going to walk into.

Luckily when I got there, she had her hat on. I will see what's left of her hair maybe later today, but for now, this morning I need to be in control of my emotions.

I don't know how I'm meant to react. Am I meant to just glance and pretend like nothing is out of the ordinary or agree with her how bad it is or try and be positive with her that its better to be bald than dead right now?

When I saw mum yesterday we took her some hats we had found in a charity shop, we got all 3 bargain at just £1 each. Happy days! :)

Just something she can slip on without trying to arrange her wig.

She said that the other day she had tried to put her wig on and her make up to try and make herself feel better, but as she still had quite a lot of her hair she felt like Marge Simpson with this huge pile of hair!

We do try and find something to laugh at every day and yesterday was just a simple answering machine message that sent us reeling with laughter.

Mum has never been one for telephone conversations, the answering machine had picked up a conversation between her and my brother, He only phoned to see if she wanted anything picking up from the shops, after an awkward conversation, she had ended the conversation as usual, without saying, bye, see you in a bit, nothing. Just put the phone down.

After a slight pause of deadly silence you can hear my brother say 'Hello?'

When I heard it I laughed so hard I weed a little, and I'm still giggling now at the thought of it.

I might even try and put the conversation onto tape of some description to save. It was just fantastic. And really sums a telephone conversation with mum up.

Why Blog?

Well, I have been invited onto the radio, to talk about why I started this blog etc
Got me thinking, why did I?

I suppose at first it was a combination of things, when people ask you how you are and how everyone is coping and of course how mum is. you start getting confused as to where you were up to with the stoy, plus relaying the same thing over and over agin becomes a bit tedious (im not trivallising it by any means) So I thought that if all information was in one place then people can just log in and find out whats going on.

Also talking to a friend last week, they also raised another good point, from my friends point of view, if they constantly text and ask, it becomes weary, but then if they dont text, it looks like they dont care, its hard to know the right balance.

Then I realised that I was getting a bit frustrated at my feelings, I may have appeared a bit unresponsive to the news about mum, maybe we had waited so long for the definate diagnosis I thought 'right there it is, THE news, right then lets get on with it'

I was slightly envious at my sisters ability to be so emotional about it all. I thought there was something wrong with me 'Why wasnt I an emotional mess? She's my mum too'

Then with all this comes guilt. Because I didnt shed any tears (and I havn't, not really, a few eye watery moments but not broke down completely)

I was using my writing as an emotional release, seeing it written down and talking about my own thoughts on things does actually help.

So then that got me thinking.............. I did a bit of research and in the UK alone nearly forty thousand people are diagnosed with lung cancer each year. 20-25% are small cell lung cancer (the same as mum)

If you have trouble visualising 40,000 people let me help you. At maximum capacity the men arena in Manchester holds 23, 000.

So take all them people, their friends, families, colleagues, etc and try to imagine all those people.

So laws of averages tell me that what I was feeling wasn't unique.

I only wanted the blog to be brutally honest, whether it be to share our laughter in our funny moments, or cry with us when we are painfully low.

It certainly is a rollercoaster of emotions. Like the corkscrew, one minute your upside down, up, down, and you can almost feel the ratchets letting you go at the top of the hill at times

Mum today, is going for her blood test, prior to chemo tomorrow. Of course if she shows signs of any infection she wont be able to have the chemo.

So this is the second cycle, Im really hoping that this time wont be as bad.

Reclaimed Day

Just a quick follow on from yesterdays post, I think we managed to reclaim the day.

Mum came for tea and before long I had a house full of people again, my brother, sister, niece, mum, my boyfriend, and of course me and my son.

All laughing at nothing in particular to the point where we were crying hysterically, and breaking wind because we were laughing so hard!

Mum said to me not so long ago that the best times of her life and memorable days were day like this, when we were just sat about laughing, happy and being silly. The whole family.

So in my opinion, the day was reclaimed.

Then this morning when I woke, I felt a bit sad, sad because one day in the near future, the laughing will stop. There will be a space on my setee where she always sits and a space in my heart and no mum at the end of the phone

Wasted Days

I have heard on a soap opera this week, that every day is precious.

So why do we seem to insist on wasting days? I have seen mum today, I took her some flowers that my church gave to her. Then this afternoon I have had a nap.
Funny when I woke up, I felt guilty for wasting the day.

I did originally intend on doing something memorable this weekend. Maybe a day out, but instead, chores seem to have taken over. We have still spent a lot of time together, just not in the way that I would have liked.

Mums next cycle of chemo begins on Wednesday, and she seems to be full of energy this weekend. She has wanted to paint the bathroom. So she cancelled our breakfast plans and painted instead.

I think there must be a sense of urgency of getting chores done in case the chemo wipes her out again.

I'm waiting for tea time a the minute so she can join us. At 5pm is it too late to try and reclaim the day? Maybe, but now I'm thinking, If mum has done something she wanted to then surely the day hasnt been wasted.

Hair

Yesterday saw the first day that Mums hair started to fall out.

Although we were warned and we knew that this is what would happen as a result of the chemo, its still a shock when it starts to happen.

She said it just started coming out in clumps.

My sister was taking her for her wig appointment, so it looks like that has come at a good time.

When I heard about her hair falling out I suppose I was a bit scared to see her, in case it was really bad, I think its so upsetting, how would I react, maybe that would be my crumbling point? When I did see her, it actually wasn't that noticeable, for now anyway.

Its strange think don't you think that the hair loss is one of the most distressing parts of this, and its actually a side effect of the treatment and not a symptom of the illness.

Part of me thinks that its a small price to pay for longevity, and its actually a part of your body that we take for granted but it actually serves no real physical purpose, I mean we can live without hair.

Maybe your hair is a sign of vitality or individuality, femininity and when this is gone you feel like you loose all of these things.

Maybe once you lose your hair people start to notice that you are ill, after all mum still looks so well at the minute, so then it becomes obvious that your not well.

She did ask me this morning about how I would feel if it were me, and I honestly don't know.

I DO know, however, that the wig that she has picked is superb, far better than I ever imagined, really, no-one would ever know, it just looks so natural, even the colour, style, looks like she has just stepped out from a salon.

I must point out at this time, It doesn't suit me.....................in the slightest!!!!

:)

news

As you know yesterday I took mum to the hospital.

I managed to snag a wheelchair from the entrance (which incidentally have a pound coin attachment like at the supermarkets, which always tickles me for some reason), we seemed to wait ages for an x ray but by the time we had finished at radiology it was 2.55pm. Her appointment at the lung centre which is at the other side of the hospital was at 3pm.
Anyone that knows me will know that I absolutley loath being late. I managed to do a quick pace wheeling her down the maze of coridors to ensure that we got there in time.

By the time we got to the reception of the lung centre I was out of breath and thinking that I was glad I have stopped smoking.

After checking in at reception we were told to go into the waiting area. Well through these double doors, there were loads of people! After all my rushing about.

Funny how mum can get out of the wheelchair to get the OK magazine off the table though to read while we waited our turn.

The appointment was for a review after her first cycle of chemo. Asking how she was feeling and how she reacted to it and also to look at her x rays to see if there had been any kind of improvement.

We explained how rough mum had been the other Sunday with the sickness and dioarhea, and also shown the doctor mums tongue which seems swollen and cracked.
The doctor sems to think that the next cycle of chemo might not be as bad as they will give us some anti dioarhea and strong anti sickness drugs and also some mouthwash for her tongue.

The lethargy is just completely natural but I think this is probably the hardest thing for mum as she always been so active.

After comparing the x rays from one she had taken the day before the chemo a few weeks ago against the one she had yesterday it does look like it is responding to the chemo.
A ct scan will be done after the third lot of chemo to be a bit more definate but for the time being, as mum seems to be tolerating the treatment its worth persuing.

When the doctor asked mum if there was anything else she wanted to ask, she said yes but it was personal. I moved in my seat because I was going to get up and leave the room, then mum went on to ask the doctor how old she was. I think it took the doctor and me by suprise a bit.
Mums just said ' you look so young' .

In the car coming home mum said that all the time we have known about the illness she has never once thought 'why me?'
I thought that was a natural reaction and maybe it will come later on, or maybe people dont react the same, I really dont know, I think Ive got some more reading to do really before next week.

I want to brush up on the chemo information and also the booklet about feelings.

Well after my sudden emotional momentary loss of fluid from my eyes yesterday, I've been ok.

Today I am taking mum to the hospital for another x ray and an appointment with the oncologist for a review of her treatment.

He tongue seems a bit swollen at the moment and my sister stayed over at her house last night so she wasn't alone.

While we are out today we are stopping off to get some passport style photos taken so we can apply for a disabled badge. (is it so wrong to be excited about getting a disabled badge?)

:)

The forms read absolutely hysterical and had me crying laughing and wheezing, to the point where my brother said I sounded possessed.

I don't ever recall howling that much with laughter.

It was just one simple question about and I quote "please tick the box that best describes the way you walk" followed by a list of examples for example limp, stagger, shuffle.

Then (and this is the best bit) "if there is not a box that describes the way you walk please tell us in your own words about the way you walk"

Well to me this leaves the imagination running a complete riot.

Walk like an Egyption

Everybody walk the dinosaur

You can tell by the way I use my walk im a womans man - no time to talk

I walk unnecessary

With all my laughing, I'm not even sure now if I did actually tick a box!

I just hope that if I didn't tick a box they don't phone to ask, that would just be far too much.

lol

Family, Faith and Fear

This weekend has actually been quite good. Although some people have said that I seem a bit angry ( I do however believe this is due to the fact that I'm now off my nicotine replacement patches)

Friday ended up being a nightmare, I managed to get mum some anti sickness drugs from the cancer unit, after two trips to the unit which is about 11 miles away! I was a bit angry when I turned up at 4.45pm, I know the unit closes at 5pm but guess what? no-one was there!!!

I ended up texting my sister, saying ring the unit and tell them to let me in. After a quick trip to the hospital pharmacy and huffing and carrying my two year old (who for some reason flatly refused to walk at this point), we got the drugs!

Everything you read always tell you to try and maintain your normal routine so as Saturday Mornings for the past two years has consisted of me mum and my son, going to a little cafe for breakfast, we thought we would still go, even if she had something small to eat.

As we are still waiting for a wheelchair I was very aware of how to drop her off, I ended up pulling up right outside the cafe on a busy main road and trying to get that close to the cafe door as possible I managed to clip my wing mirror on the roadside sign they have. lol.

Apparantly mum now thinks I'm trying too hard!

She managed to eat something and is gradually getting her appetite back, which I suppose is a good sign.

Saturday afternoon saw me having a houseful of family members, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, as well as our imediate family, which was nice, just all sat about chatting. A few watery eyes as for them it was the first time they had seen mum since the diagnosis.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that when terrible things like this happen people start to turn to Religion and faith, or even sometimes turn their back on their faith.

As a relatively new member of the Unitarian Church, I have my own views on all this, and a few conversations over the weekend have led me to question certain things and my own beliefs.

I suppose that although I may have appeared sombre and a bit meloncholy over the weekend I have been thinking, but then all this thinking seems to has ultimatley led to one thing.....fear.

Fear for myself, fear for my family, and ultimately, fear for my mum.

How scary is that? to be told that you may only have a few months left, I've been thinking ' how would I feel if it was me?'

and I think the answer is this - Firstly my thoughts would turn to my son. He's only two.

So how does my mum feel, three of us to think of, I know we are grown up's now but to her I guess we will always be her babies.

I havnt spoke to my mum in depth about how she truly feels about the diagnosis yet, but her initial reactions were very matter of fact, firstly that she had brought it all on herself with smoking for all them years, and then very astutely "Well what am I going to do with myself for the next twenty years...........watch Jeremy Kyle?"

People fear death because it truely is the unknown, and all we have is our own faith and beliefs.

What is sad is that I feel like my life is just starting, a two year old son, a new relationship, a new approach and understanding of life through my church. She isnt going to be around to see how it all unfolds.

The fear for myself comes in many forms, yesterday when she was playing with my son, I made a point of looking at her in the hope that I will be able to remember that image forever.

And there we have it, my eyes are suddenly leaking.

Doctors, Drugs & Elton John

Where do I start this morning?

Feels like its been SO busy!

Firstly lets start off with saying that Mum is doing ok, she's managing to get her make up on, which like me, is definitly a sign that she feeling ok. We have been trying to organise a wheelchair for her, as she can barely walk without getting exhausted.

The district nurse has now referred her for one, so hopefully when we get one we can get her out and about a bit more. Though I must point out that if anyone sees us out and about then be rest assured that we may need 'L' plates! :)

I know my sister took her out in one round the supermarket the other day and she said it was a nightmare, especially with a silly shopping trolley attached to the front, the unit become about 8ft long, with mum feeling like she was going to be sick, and swiping things off the shelves. She said it was more like a 'Little Britain' sketch. ' I want that one' Then just as they got to the end of the shop, guess what, mum felt like she was going to be sick so my poor sister wheeled her at high speed right to the toilet (at the other end of the supermarket) then after getting there, Mum said, "I feel alright now" lol

Drugs seem to be absolutely all over the show, the anti sickness pills have ran out, so the district nurse organised for some others, but then last night she was sick again, bearing in mind it was about 6.30pm I ended up phoning all different people, trying to get her the same ones that the cancer unit had supplied.

After about 6 phone calls later I managed to get her some prescribed.

After thinking about it all though last night, I have a sneaking suspicion that what is causing the sickness is the anti biotics.

So this morning I have phoned the cancer unit and have been told to go in and collect some prescription - More drugs! What joy!!!

Seriously need to keep a clear head we have that many at the moment!

As for Elton John - Well on the radio on the way to work this morning, "Im still Standing was playing"

'I'm still standing, better than I ever did, feeling like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid'

Thats how I feel at the minute, that I'm still standing - strong.