Best Of Intentions

So here we are the eve of Mum's radiotherapy treatment.

Tomorrow she is going to have preventative treatment on her brain, it is the most likely place small cell lung cancer spreads next.
The treatment involves a plastacast being made of her head and turning this into a mesh or perspex mask with just nose and mouth exposed.
When all this is done, and placed on her head, it is then all attached to the treatment table, as it is vital that her head doesnt move during treatment.

All sounds pretty scary and I know that Mum is worried about having this treatment.

It has been nearly 3 weeks since I spoke to mum, I have sent a couple of peace offerings and was going to go and see her, but today I have arrived home from work to find a note shoved through my letterbox from Mum telling me to stay away from her.

All this because I told my 'sibling' some home truths as I wanted desperately for them to be able to stand on their own two feet.

All done with the best of intentions, to try to enable them to cope with a life without Mum, when the inevitable happens.
Some would say that maybe it wasnt my place to incite this, but if I didn't speak out. Who would?

If she wants me to stay away, then I will. I just hope she realises what she has done.

Radiotherapy

Well after my last blog. Last Friday, I went to Mums and we seemed to resume our relationship, Saturday we went for breakfast but then ended up in another disagreement and I havn't spoken to her since. By the same token she hasn't phoned me either.
Whats stupid is that it's all because someone else has caused all this, not anything to do between me and mum ourselves.

I believe that today she has been to the hospital and has been advised that although the main tumor in the lymph nodes in her chest has responded dramatically to the chemotherapy, the dose of radiotherapy will be scheduled in the near future.

The main side effects of this treatment is tiredness.

I need to read up on the treatment a bit more.

Words from the heart

Im still angry at a certain family member and I really don't think that can be fixed, and I know that I was wrong for taking it out on Mum by disowning her too. But I think I was just so angry at her for not taking control of the situation, I just wanted her to realise how serious I was about my grievance with this family member.

The problem is I am so stubborn at times and Mum hasn't phone me and I havn't phoned her.
I can really dig my heels in when I want to. Then things tend to spiral out of control and get left too long to make things up again.

Tomorrow, September 11th as millions of people mourn the loss of their loved ones in the American attack 9 years ago, my family mourn my Dad who died 11th September 1996.

As every year that passes and I watch the footage of 9/11 and listen to the last desperate phone calls of these people it send cold shivers up and down my spine.
Im sure their families would give anything to spend another week with them and heres me, wasted a week literally cutting my nose off to spite my face.

My thoughts on posting on the blog havn't changed, I do think its a good thing. It isnt really about mum and her illness anymore although it is what instigated the blog, but its more how we are all affected by it, physically, mentally and emotionally. Especially me, as it is my writing after all.

Its about my attitude to the situation and to life (and death) itself, sorting out my own head and setting out my own emotional needs and helping me work out my priorities in life, which of course, I think the moment I became a mother, my whole attitude to life shifted dramatically.

I believe through cancer support sites and listening to friends views on the blog, that it is important to continue.
I cant be verbally trashed by a family member for writing this blog as what I say on here comes from my heart.

Words from the heart shouldn't be stiffled or censored.

To Delete?

I'm really wrestling with this at the minute, to delete this blog or not.

Well let me just say that the weekend saw a family feud that I can't really go into detail about but a few home truths were said.

This has left me thinking about the blog and whether I want to continue.

My hand did hover over the 'delete entire blog' on Saturday, just one click away from removing some of the most honest words I have ever written.

I went to church on Sunday and the opening lines of the service were from Guru Nanak,

"There is but One God, His name is Truth"

This left me thinking all day:

How can I be wrong for speaking the truth? Its not wrong at all

I need to be true to myself and stick up for what I believe in, despite the consequences.

I need to mull this over for a few days so I can't post any more until then.

Being Silly

I'm pleased to say that mum seems to be doing well this week.

She stayed at home on Saturday as these weekends after a cycle of chemo just are a non starter really.

We all went round to her house on Sunday and had a really good day, a good laugh too, though I think it took it out of her in the end, all the laughing. It was just all a bit silly really. Laughing at a blow up chair that had started to deflate and my boyfriend sat on one side and I jumped on the other, as I am significantly heavier than him, he was being flicked off his side and up in the air.

It was all a bit mad, but she said she hasn't laughed that much in ages, and she also said that she has never seen me so happy........ever.

As we all left I think she started to get a bit tired. And Monday when I phoned her, she was still in bed.

She said she couldn't move, and her eyes couldn't focuss, she said it feels like when your 'horrible drunk' mixed with flu (the bit where you cant move your body)

Yesterday (Tuesday) my phone rang at 8am and I saw it was mum, funny that panic always sets in when the phone rings at that time in the morning.

But all she wanted was for me to call and sort her television out as it was flickering. So I called on my way to work.

Also last night me and my son went round for a short while.

She seems to be really enjoying everything at the minute and was well enough to do a 'big shop'.

She said to me last week when I picked her up from chemo that every day since we were told the news, back at the end of June, she has enjoyed EVERY day since.