Why Blog?

Well, I have been invited onto the radio, to talk about why I started this blog etc
Got me thinking, why did I?

I suppose at first it was a combination of things, when people ask you how you are and how everyone is coping and of course how mum is. you start getting confused as to where you were up to with the stoy, plus relaying the same thing over and over agin becomes a bit tedious (im not trivallising it by any means) So I thought that if all information was in one place then people can just log in and find out whats going on.

Also talking to a friend last week, they also raised another good point, from my friends point of view, if they constantly text and ask, it becomes weary, but then if they dont text, it looks like they dont care, its hard to know the right balance.

Then I realised that I was getting a bit frustrated at my feelings, I may have appeared a bit unresponsive to the news about mum, maybe we had waited so long for the definate diagnosis I thought 'right there it is, THE news, right then lets get on with it'

I was slightly envious at my sisters ability to be so emotional about it all. I thought there was something wrong with me 'Why wasnt I an emotional mess? She's my mum too'

Then with all this comes guilt. Because I didnt shed any tears (and I havn't, not really, a few eye watery moments but not broke down completely)

I was using my writing as an emotional release, seeing it written down and talking about my own thoughts on things does actually help.

So then that got me thinking.............. I did a bit of research and in the UK alone nearly forty thousand people are diagnosed with lung cancer each year. 20-25% are small cell lung cancer (the same as mum)

If you have trouble visualising 40,000 people let me help you. At maximum capacity the men arena in Manchester holds 23, 000.

So take all them people, their friends, families, colleagues, etc and try to imagine all those people.

So laws of averages tell me that what I was feeling wasn't unique.

I only wanted the blog to be brutally honest, whether it be to share our laughter in our funny moments, or cry with us when we are painfully low.

It certainly is a rollercoaster of emotions. Like the corkscrew, one minute your upside down, up, down, and you can almost feel the ratchets letting you go at the top of the hill at times

Mum today, is going for her blood test, prior to chemo tomorrow. Of course if she shows signs of any infection she wont be able to have the chemo.

So this is the second cycle, Im really hoping that this time wont be as bad.

Reclaimed Day

Just a quick follow on from yesterdays post, I think we managed to reclaim the day.

Mum came for tea and before long I had a house full of people again, my brother, sister, niece, mum, my boyfriend, and of course me and my son.

All laughing at nothing in particular to the point where we were crying hysterically, and breaking wind because we were laughing so hard!

Mum said to me not so long ago that the best times of her life and memorable days were day like this, when we were just sat about laughing, happy and being silly. The whole family.

So in my opinion, the day was reclaimed.

Then this morning when I woke, I felt a bit sad, sad because one day in the near future, the laughing will stop. There will be a space on my setee where she always sits and a space in my heart and no mum at the end of the phone

Wasted Days

I have heard on a soap opera this week, that every day is precious.

So why do we seem to insist on wasting days? I have seen mum today, I took her some flowers that my church gave to her. Then this afternoon I have had a nap.
Funny when I woke up, I felt guilty for wasting the day.

I did originally intend on doing something memorable this weekend. Maybe a day out, but instead, chores seem to have taken over. We have still spent a lot of time together, just not in the way that I would have liked.

Mums next cycle of chemo begins on Wednesday, and she seems to be full of energy this weekend. She has wanted to paint the bathroom. So she cancelled our breakfast plans and painted instead.

I think there must be a sense of urgency of getting chores done in case the chemo wipes her out again.

I'm waiting for tea time a the minute so she can join us. At 5pm is it too late to try and reclaim the day? Maybe, but now I'm thinking, If mum has done something she wanted to then surely the day hasnt been wasted.

Hair

Yesterday saw the first day that Mums hair started to fall out.

Although we were warned and we knew that this is what would happen as a result of the chemo, its still a shock when it starts to happen.

She said it just started coming out in clumps.

My sister was taking her for her wig appointment, so it looks like that has come at a good time.

When I heard about her hair falling out I suppose I was a bit scared to see her, in case it was really bad, I think its so upsetting, how would I react, maybe that would be my crumbling point? When I did see her, it actually wasn't that noticeable, for now anyway.

Its strange think don't you think that the hair loss is one of the most distressing parts of this, and its actually a side effect of the treatment and not a symptom of the illness.

Part of me thinks that its a small price to pay for longevity, and its actually a part of your body that we take for granted but it actually serves no real physical purpose, I mean we can live without hair.

Maybe your hair is a sign of vitality or individuality, femininity and when this is gone you feel like you loose all of these things.

Maybe once you lose your hair people start to notice that you are ill, after all mum still looks so well at the minute, so then it becomes obvious that your not well.

She did ask me this morning about how I would feel if it were me, and I honestly don't know.

I DO know, however, that the wig that she has picked is superb, far better than I ever imagined, really, no-one would ever know, it just looks so natural, even the colour, style, looks like she has just stepped out from a salon.

I must point out at this time, It doesn't suit me.....................in the slightest!!!!

:)

news

As you know yesterday I took mum to the hospital.

I managed to snag a wheelchair from the entrance (which incidentally have a pound coin attachment like at the supermarkets, which always tickles me for some reason), we seemed to wait ages for an x ray but by the time we had finished at radiology it was 2.55pm. Her appointment at the lung centre which is at the other side of the hospital was at 3pm.
Anyone that knows me will know that I absolutley loath being late. I managed to do a quick pace wheeling her down the maze of coridors to ensure that we got there in time.

By the time we got to the reception of the lung centre I was out of breath and thinking that I was glad I have stopped smoking.

After checking in at reception we were told to go into the waiting area. Well through these double doors, there were loads of people! After all my rushing about.

Funny how mum can get out of the wheelchair to get the OK magazine off the table though to read while we waited our turn.

The appointment was for a review after her first cycle of chemo. Asking how she was feeling and how she reacted to it and also to look at her x rays to see if there had been any kind of improvement.

We explained how rough mum had been the other Sunday with the sickness and dioarhea, and also shown the doctor mums tongue which seems swollen and cracked.
The doctor sems to think that the next cycle of chemo might not be as bad as they will give us some anti dioarhea and strong anti sickness drugs and also some mouthwash for her tongue.

The lethargy is just completely natural but I think this is probably the hardest thing for mum as she always been so active.

After comparing the x rays from one she had taken the day before the chemo a few weeks ago against the one she had yesterday it does look like it is responding to the chemo.
A ct scan will be done after the third lot of chemo to be a bit more definate but for the time being, as mum seems to be tolerating the treatment its worth persuing.

When the doctor asked mum if there was anything else she wanted to ask, she said yes but it was personal. I moved in my seat because I was going to get up and leave the room, then mum went on to ask the doctor how old she was. I think it took the doctor and me by suprise a bit.
Mums just said ' you look so young' .

In the car coming home mum said that all the time we have known about the illness she has never once thought 'why me?'
I thought that was a natural reaction and maybe it will come later on, or maybe people dont react the same, I really dont know, I think Ive got some more reading to do really before next week.

I want to brush up on the chemo information and also the booklet about feelings.

Well after my sudden emotional momentary loss of fluid from my eyes yesterday, I've been ok.

Today I am taking mum to the hospital for another x ray and an appointment with the oncologist for a review of her treatment.

He tongue seems a bit swollen at the moment and my sister stayed over at her house last night so she wasn't alone.

While we are out today we are stopping off to get some passport style photos taken so we can apply for a disabled badge. (is it so wrong to be excited about getting a disabled badge?)

:)

The forms read absolutely hysterical and had me crying laughing and wheezing, to the point where my brother said I sounded possessed.

I don't ever recall howling that much with laughter.

It was just one simple question about and I quote "please tick the box that best describes the way you walk" followed by a list of examples for example limp, stagger, shuffle.

Then (and this is the best bit) "if there is not a box that describes the way you walk please tell us in your own words about the way you walk"

Well to me this leaves the imagination running a complete riot.

Walk like an Egyption

Everybody walk the dinosaur

You can tell by the way I use my walk im a womans man - no time to talk

I walk unnecessary

With all my laughing, I'm not even sure now if I did actually tick a box!

I just hope that if I didn't tick a box they don't phone to ask, that would just be far too much.

lol

Family, Faith and Fear

This weekend has actually been quite good. Although some people have said that I seem a bit angry ( I do however believe this is due to the fact that I'm now off my nicotine replacement patches)

Friday ended up being a nightmare, I managed to get mum some anti sickness drugs from the cancer unit, after two trips to the unit which is about 11 miles away! I was a bit angry when I turned up at 4.45pm, I know the unit closes at 5pm but guess what? no-one was there!!!

I ended up texting my sister, saying ring the unit and tell them to let me in. After a quick trip to the hospital pharmacy and huffing and carrying my two year old (who for some reason flatly refused to walk at this point), we got the drugs!

Everything you read always tell you to try and maintain your normal routine so as Saturday Mornings for the past two years has consisted of me mum and my son, going to a little cafe for breakfast, we thought we would still go, even if she had something small to eat.

As we are still waiting for a wheelchair I was very aware of how to drop her off, I ended up pulling up right outside the cafe on a busy main road and trying to get that close to the cafe door as possible I managed to clip my wing mirror on the roadside sign they have. lol.

Apparantly mum now thinks I'm trying too hard!

She managed to eat something and is gradually getting her appetite back, which I suppose is a good sign.

Saturday afternoon saw me having a houseful of family members, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, as well as our imediate family, which was nice, just all sat about chatting. A few watery eyes as for them it was the first time they had seen mum since the diagnosis.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that when terrible things like this happen people start to turn to Religion and faith, or even sometimes turn their back on their faith.

As a relatively new member of the Unitarian Church, I have my own views on all this, and a few conversations over the weekend have led me to question certain things and my own beliefs.

I suppose that although I may have appeared sombre and a bit meloncholy over the weekend I have been thinking, but then all this thinking seems to has ultimatley led to one thing.....fear.

Fear for myself, fear for my family, and ultimately, fear for my mum.

How scary is that? to be told that you may only have a few months left, I've been thinking ' how would I feel if it was me?'

and I think the answer is this - Firstly my thoughts would turn to my son. He's only two.

So how does my mum feel, three of us to think of, I know we are grown up's now but to her I guess we will always be her babies.

I havnt spoke to my mum in depth about how she truly feels about the diagnosis yet, but her initial reactions were very matter of fact, firstly that she had brought it all on herself with smoking for all them years, and then very astutely "Well what am I going to do with myself for the next twenty years...........watch Jeremy Kyle?"

People fear death because it truely is the unknown, and all we have is our own faith and beliefs.

What is sad is that I feel like my life is just starting, a two year old son, a new relationship, a new approach and understanding of life through my church. She isnt going to be around to see how it all unfolds.

The fear for myself comes in many forms, yesterday when she was playing with my son, I made a point of looking at her in the hope that I will be able to remember that image forever.

And there we have it, my eyes are suddenly leaking.