Is it really that selfish of me to want to spend time with Mum? I think not but I get the feeling that what I'm about to say is going to sound awful.
But like I keep saying I want this blog to be as honest about my feelings as I possibly can, all these mixed emotions that I'm having, someone else out there in the big wide world is either having them right now, had them, or unfortunately going to have them.
Mum cancelled our Saturday trip to the cafe, then Sunday we didnt stay long because is was nearing tea time, Monday I was busy doing things like cleaning my house. So yesterday, I had arranged to pick her up later in the afternoon and bring her to my house.
She was too tired to come again. I feel like I'm missing out somehow, my other siblings seem to manage to go and visit her but they don't have a small child, routines and the small inconvenience of work.
So when do I get to spend time with mum?
I was actually quite annoyed a bit yesterday, maybe the anger was directed at myself a bit though, as my Monday cleaning could have waited I suppose, the dirt will still be there tomorrow, what does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?
Every day that passes that I don't see her is a day closer to her inevitable death, and I've gone and wasted that day, doing mundane shopping, cleaning, working, nothing productive.
I know that medically she is too tired because of the chemo, so then this makes me feel selfish.
I suppose the one good thing that Mum has said recently is this - "If someone asked me what the best time of my life was - I would say right now, the way everyone is looking after me, its brilliant."
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