Angels & Demons

I havn't blogged for a few days for the simple reason, I havn't seen mum that much really.

This demon that is my depression seems to have taken hold for the past week, so up and down.

Yes, a lot of it is to do with mum, but what can I do? I suppose ultimately the feeling of being uselessness leads to feeling like this.

Mum has been too tired to come over to my house and when she has been well enough she seems to have other things planned.

Sunday when I wanted to take her to the park, and I had chosen a park that we could quite easily push her about, she had said she was too tired. Monday - she went to the park - without me.

I invited her for tea last night but she said no.

Regular readers of the blog will know that Saturday mornings normally sees us all going for breakfast, but I dont want to go today.

Im going on holiday tomorrow so I need to do other things, plus I think that she knows im upset so if we did something today it would feel forced - like she was just there going through the motions.

However if I don't see her at some point today then its going to be at least a week before I get to see her again, and how does that make me feel? Like I've wasted time.

There will never be another day like today, there will never be a Saturday 14th August 2010 - EVER.

So last night I spent hours crying, out of frustration, anger, it was every emotion that you could imagine - trying to sort through these things in my head.

Then this leads to guilt. Guilt that my boyfriend and son have to see me like that. My poor boyfriend. Ever so supportive, but a realitively new relationship should still be romance and smelling good for one another shouldn't it? Not walking in on a Friday night to a crying hysterical girlfriend who doesnt want to be cuddled, or talk about whats going on in my head.

I suppose I also felt a tiny bit of resentment towards my son too last night, the fact that I can't just jump in the car and go and see mum, because its not just me that needs to get ready, need to get him, and stuff for him to play with, tea time, etc etc. Just too much of a chore. Now that does sound awful!!!!

Sometimes I also think, 'sod it, I got to get used to her not being here anyway, so what does it matter if I don't see her.'

So then thinking about this one - Maybe I want people when I want them? Is that a bad thing? Is everyone else the same? Is that selfish or self preservation?

Last night when we went to bed, I was thinking it's so selfish all the feelings and thoughts that I have had, come on, see things from mums point of view, maybe she wants people when she wants them too............ maybe she feels like shes wasting time coming over to my house..............she will love me whether I see her or not...........maybe we are too much alike.