Tears & Rain

Well there you have it, last night was the first night that I truly cried. Maybe bottling it all up finally came to a head.

I think I knew it was coming when I re-read my latest posts.

So what happened last night to make this sudden summer shower appear from nowhere?

I don’t know , my sister came, she had picked mum up from the chemo. She had a load more appointments for me to write down, and then said that they had told her that they were only going to do 4 cycles of chemo, I asked ‘then what?’ She didn’t know

When I came downstairs from putting my son to bed, my boyfriend gave me a cuddle and this was the first sudden shower. Just from nowhere and in the 7 months that we have been together this is the first time he has seen me cry.

It just felt like that it was all coming to an end. Only 4 cycles and she’s already had 3. I think all of a sudden it became so real. The end was in sight.

My boyfriend wiped away my tears and said that we don’t know exactly what they intend to do after the 4 lots. Maybe then they will do a review and see how its all going and see if it is actually doing any good.

He said himself that she seems so good, when his dad had chemo, it wiped him out for days, but here’s my mum, just last week painting the ceiling.

I must admit that she does seem to be coping physically a lot better than I imagined.

The night before I had a friend over and we got a bit drunk and just talked rubbish all evening . This is just what I needed. No talk of mum and the illness, was great, but maybe on reflection, just an avoidance technique.

When we eventually went to bed, I had a bizarre dream, I dreamt that every member of my family went to Australia, but they had missed the plane, they were leaving me behind. I was trying to get mum another flight and made sure she had her luggage and eventually after a long trip I got her to the airport in time.

Maybe your subconscious does tell you things.

I still feel a bit emotionally wobbly today. Mum cancelled our usual Saturday trip out as she said she was too tired, she just wanted to go back to bed. She asked if everything was ok, I said yes but I think she knows me well enough to know that the tone in my voice said otherwise, I was just doing all I can to not cry.

I've been thinking about all the times at church and people have said they will pray for us,
I know when I go tomorrow I will pray for strength as usual, but maybe it's quite strong of me to show my vunerable side too, especially to those I love.

I really wish that something show stoppingly funny happens over the weekend, as I would really love to make you all laugh again, as I feel this is just all becoming a bit too low, but for now in the words of James Blunt - ‘It’s just Tears and Rain’