Yesterday she went for another CT scan and tomorrow is blood tests again.
I will be on holiday when she is next at the hospital for x-rays, vascular, and chest clinic, so my sister will have to do that run to the hospital. My sister wanted me to give her instructions and directions as to where she will be going on this epic day out, and mum just said, 'not right now, I'm sick of it all.'
I saw her on Sunday afternoon, I had phoned her to see if she wanted pushing around in her wheelchair with us, but she said she just hasn't got the energy, we called on our way back home,when I got to the house, she was hoovering! Claiming that no-one else was going to do it.
Then she started crying. She is so fed up of being lethargic.
What is it with our family that we are so not tactile?
Surely it is natural to comfort someone with hugs and cuddles when they are upset, but I couldn't, we never have done that as a family.
Luckily my boyfriend stepped up and gave her a cuddle. It must appear like I don't care, or I'm cold in some way.
Sitting here thinking about it, I am tactile with my boyfriend, my son, friends etc, so why not with mum?
Maybe I'm just too scared of feeling? Being rejected? I really don't know, I know when I rubbed her feet when she was really poorly after the first lot of chemo, I felt a bit funny.
We never have said what we feel, there is only one time I can remember telling my Dad that I loved him, and even then, it wasn't verbal.
For his 60th birthday, just a few months before he died, I gave him a watch that I had inscribed on the back, it just said 'I Love you Dad'.
Someone once said to me that, that one thing may have meant more than to say it every day without a second thought.
I will try and make it my mission this week to touch her. Its sounds so ludicrous doesn't it?
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