Emotional Outburst

Where do I start this morning?

A lot of thought shave been going through my head since the last blog, so it may be an epic Im afraid!

Is it really better to know? We are watching our loved ones die slowly. When people die unexpectedly maybe we have more of a chance of remembering their vibrance and them before.

I dont my memories of my mum to be the the last few months of vomitting, bald heads, death jokes, coughing, chemo and crying.

I have come to the conclusion that either way sudden or expected isn't good but there are positive's in knowing isnt there?

My sister is an absolute mess. She isn't taking this at all well. She seems to be also under the impression that I am coping remarkably. Am I?

I believe that we will all be a mess but all at different times. If we all collapsed together who would pick us up.

I have also seriously been doubting the existance of an afterlife and questioning a lot of things.

Those that know me, I do attend church regular and am in fact a Unitratian which allows people to explore there own spiritual needs.

What if?........................ What if the term 'eternal life' isnt literal?

What if it means that we live on from our actions and remembered for eternity by those who knew us. Making our mark on the world so so speak.

After my dad died, my mum suddenly began to notice mannerisms, language and actions that I did that were exactly the same as Dad. He lives on through me and everyone that knew him and their memories.

As I was driving to the Doctors regarding my own health I switched on the radio, a bunch of songs came on the radio that were almost like a personal message to me. Dad's funeral music was the first, which incidently was 'You are not alone' by Michael Jackson, the next song was a song that will always be me and my sisters song, 'When will I see you again' I never realised until recently that this song was actualy number one the very day I was born. Funny how later in life it has become 'Our tune'

Made me think that there IS something, what I guess we wont know until its our turn.

I have seen mum and what is difficult is that she looks SO well!!! I have attached a photo taken on Saturday 27th November 2010. Its hard to believe that in a few weeks I wont be able to pick up the phone, call around to her house.

Saturday I seemed to be so angry and I exploded. Someone phoned me and started moaning about their Mum, about all the niggles that they had with her, how life had been so unkind because.........because..........she............she ............I .........I

In the end..... I exploded and told them the news about Mum, and even shouted down the phone at them saying they were being so selfish, they should be grateful to have a mum and I slammed the phone down.

Part of me felt really guilty, it was almost like a red mist though with me. I honestly cant remember the conversation on either part! It was completely out of charactor for me.

I have been feeling a bit guilty and self indulgant too writing this blog so I have refrained from writing for a couple of days. But this morning I read a comment to my last post and its nice to know that it is having a positive effect on some people out there too.

Today, sees the first anniversary of a friends death, When I went to see her in the funeral directors last year I was inspired to write this poem. I think that its more relevant than ever today. My thoughts are with her family today, especially her daughter.

All we are made of is flesh and blood

The human spirit isn’t easily understood

What makes us complete is our soul

Without this we are far from whole

Electric impulses animate and make us live

Our hearts that beat yet learn to forgive

Our bodies just a vessel that encases

Our deepest thoughts and inner voices

Who we are is not flesh and blood,

Miraculous as they are, we are flawed.

They are not designed to live for long

It’s our spirits that keep us strong

The love we feel and the rest inside

Cannot be reproduced, I think many have tried.

So who am I? Not this body that I own

But my laughter and smiles, I willingly show

My ability to Love, my thoughts, and my fears

The hurt and emotion, the pain and the tears,

My kindness and to try and understand

The way it makes me feel when someone takes my hand

When my vessel dies what will people say?

What will they remember, when I go away?

Will they remember my appearance, and how I look?

Will they remember my body? I think not

What do you want to be remembered for?

I would wisely guess the answer, for who you are.

For your warmth? Compassion? For bringing a smile?

Its worth thinking of, for a little while

bugger

I haven't written for a few days because I have been so poorly. First with a cold, then my son had an upset tummy which I have now got.

As a consequence I havn't seen Mum because Im frightened of making her ill. Now doesnt that sound stupid? Especially when you hear the outcome of the meeting with the oncologist.

My sister took Mum for the meeting and the long and short of it is........there's nothing else they can do.

The cancer on her adrenal gland hasnt changed in size, the one in her lymph nodes has grown and the main one in her lung has grown back bigger than it was originally, before all the treatment.

They have started her off on low dose morphene and said that it could just be a 'few short months'.

I dont know how I feel right now. At first I thought that all that she had gone through was for nothing, but I know that without all the chemo she wouldn't have lasted this long. So it hasn't been for nothing. Has it?

The other week I saw mum and she was really upset saying what is the point in delaying the inevitable.

I phoned mum to see how she was last night. I wasnt sure what to expect. But what I found, suprised me. She wasn't solemn or upset and strangly upbeat and chirpy, she was more bothered about the financial side of things and funeral expenses.

She even made a joke about buying a smaller turkey.

I believe this to be called 'gallows humour'.

There no question then is there? This WILL be our last Christmas together.................bugger.

Lead to Feathers

The news now is that after her Xray on Thursday, the cancer in her lung has grown back, they wern't expecting it to come back so soon.

They said that the chemo she had last time was the strongest you could have.

Next they need to do a CT scan next week and when the results are in for that they MAY be able to present her with some options.

Im not sure if Mum wants to go through any more, but I guess that we need to find out what these options are first.

They have give her some different pills and by all accounts is feeling a little better right now.

My heart felt like it was made of lead the other night. Funny how the emotional can become the physical. Just so heavy............. I had to leave the dinner table, I lost my appetite and I couldnt control my tears.

As I put my son to bed, I sat there in the dark and started thinking about things.

Who are we to play God with people's lives? Is it selfish to keep going with treatment when in the end you know its pointless and that the outcome will be the same, surely we are just delaying the inevitable?

In the end I think she went through all this treatment just bargaining for time. And yet what have we done with it?

I want her to keep fighting for my own selfish reasons.........like I said in the last post, Im not ready for her to go yet. Theres too much for us to do and see. I want her to be there at my wedding in June. I want to have a happy Christmas without the fear that it might be her last. I want her to see my son grow up.

When I come downstairs, my boyfriend started talking about the wedding arrangements.

As we talked, my heart changed from feeling like lead to being as light as a feather. Im so glad I have someone that has the ability to do that.

Friday, I think I managed to see things a bit more rationally.

After talking to my friend who's Dad has just passed, I feel grateful that the doctors have been able to at least try and extend her life. As sad it is, and I'm trying to help her cope with her grief, it is has helped me to put things in perspective immensly.

Even though it could be start of the slippery slope for Mums health............we knew this.
We knew there was no cure, we knew we were just bargaining for time.

I know it isn't over yet, there may still be another option. What, I do not know. I guess we are back in this limbo again until we have another meeting with the oncologist.

I'm Not Ready

Got to say that today I'm very worried.

The oncologist has brought mums appointment forward. It should have been next week but they have got her an appointment today.

Her cough is getting so much worse and she is being sick all the time but just bringing up froth and making strange noises.

She will have another X ray today and a meeting with the oncologist to see whats happening.

Last night we were watching old family home movies and she looked so well on them. Healthy in fact. I suppose its only when you see them that you realise just how ill she looks at the minute.

I know that there will be a downward spiral in her health eventually but I just hope to God this isn't the start of it............ As rational and open I have been about it all so far..........I'm not ready

Good News / Bad News

Which do you want first as it's been a week for both?

The good news? My colposcopy is ok for the time being but I need to return in 6 months for another check.

The BIG news............I'm getting married!

Mum is really excited about the whole thing as she really like my boyfriend and it gives her something to look forward to. Its booked for June 2011 so only a few months away and I think the time will fly by.

Bad News? Well Mum hasn't been too good really. She keeps being sick and the cough is back.
I saw her on Thursday to tell her about the wedding and she shown me how her hair is doing.
Its really weird, its started growing back where they didn't do the radiotherapy on the brain. Just a square like patch on the back of her head.

Yesterday..............heard the sad news of a friends Dad that has now passed to this awful disease.
Funny that someone I only knew of, hearing of his passing, brought tears to my eyes. Mainly for his daughter and devastation the family must be feeling.

If anything positive can come out of this its that I feel like I have formed a good friend.
Over the past couple of weeks we have exchanged a few messages and I have really tried to offer words of support. Although I know that nothing I could say or do would make her pain and despair go away, I wish I could, this is truly the worst part of life isn't it? For those left behind, no words of comfort can even begin to heal. So what can I say? But be there if she needs me.

When my own Dad died the best thing that anyone said to me was this 'I really don't know what to say, so I won't say anything at all'. It has always stayed with me, as it was the most honest reaction anyone had. I know everyone was sincere at the time but at the time it just seemed like a string of cliches coming out 0f everyones mouths.

I must admit that slightly selfish, there was also a heaviness in my heart as in the midst of my happiness of looking at honeymoons and wedding dresses, this jolted me to realise that Mum might not make it to see the big day.

Mum was on a real downer yesterday too by all accounts. I think she is fed up of feeling ill all the time.
My sister is taking her shopping today so will see how she feels after that and we'll go and see her.

Family Comes First

Well its been a funny old couple of weeks so I hope todays blog doesnt waffle on too much.

Last Wednesday I had the day off work to go and have my colposcopy at the hospital.

As my boyfriend was off work too, we went together. As there is a park at the back of the hospital we deceided that he should take my son to feed the ducks while I was in 'assuming the position'.

My boyfriend knew that there was something wrong. As we pulled into the car park, I watched him putting the wellington boots on my son.
He asked me if I was ok as I seemed quiet.

It was a cold but sunny day, the autumn leaves were everywhere.
My son was excited about the prospect of feeding the ducks.

All of a sudden I felt so sad. All my mothering instincts came to the surface. No matter how much I want to nurture and protect my son, I am never going to be able to protect him from my own mortality.

As he is only two, if what I was about to hear was bad news what would he remember of me?

This led me to think about what being a Mum is all about. What I think about my own mum and my own relationship with my son.

My childhood memories, I really dont recall my mum being there. All memories, I was with my Dad. When I have spoken to mum about this, she doesnt remember.
What would my son remember when he grows up?

I feel like I have missed everything, his first steps, his first word, and now pedalling a trike at playgroup. He waves to me every morning, and he tells me every morning when we wake up that I am going to work.

I love him so much, sometimes it feels like my heart is breaking.

Only the other week he fell over and hurt himself, he didn't run to me for comfort, but my sister.

Made me start to question life itself, what is it all about?

I suppose it has been staring me in the face all along but I have been wearing blinkers.

My family is by far the most important thing to me, you can't buy or reclaim days.

A weeks wage can't buy the look on my sons face at the thought of feeding the ducks and jumping in muddy puddles.

It all started to make sense to me. I NEED to make every day count.

So..............I have quit my job!

My last working day is Christmas Eve, which I think is perfect timing. I am curently looking to buy a pair of Wellington Boots of my own.

Friday night we all went to see a firework display and a funfair at a local park. Mum in her wheelchair, my son on my boyfriends shoulders, my sister and her daughter. It turned out to be one of the best weekends ever.

We were a proper family.