Family Comes First

Well its been a funny old couple of weeks so I hope todays blog doesnt waffle on too much.

Last Wednesday I had the day off work to go and have my colposcopy at the hospital.

As my boyfriend was off work too, we went together. As there is a park at the back of the hospital we deceided that he should take my son to feed the ducks while I was in 'assuming the position'.

My boyfriend knew that there was something wrong. As we pulled into the car park, I watched him putting the wellington boots on my son.
He asked me if I was ok as I seemed quiet.

It was a cold but sunny day, the autumn leaves were everywhere.
My son was excited about the prospect of feeding the ducks.

All of a sudden I felt so sad. All my mothering instincts came to the surface. No matter how much I want to nurture and protect my son, I am never going to be able to protect him from my own mortality.

As he is only two, if what I was about to hear was bad news what would he remember of me?

This led me to think about what being a Mum is all about. What I think about my own mum and my own relationship with my son.

My childhood memories, I really dont recall my mum being there. All memories, I was with my Dad. When I have spoken to mum about this, she doesnt remember.
What would my son remember when he grows up?

I feel like I have missed everything, his first steps, his first word, and now pedalling a trike at playgroup. He waves to me every morning, and he tells me every morning when we wake up that I am going to work.

I love him so much, sometimes it feels like my heart is breaking.

Only the other week he fell over and hurt himself, he didn't run to me for comfort, but my sister.

Made me start to question life itself, what is it all about?

I suppose it has been staring me in the face all along but I have been wearing blinkers.

My family is by far the most important thing to me, you can't buy or reclaim days.

A weeks wage can't buy the look on my sons face at the thought of feeding the ducks and jumping in muddy puddles.

It all started to make sense to me. I NEED to make every day count.

So..............I have quit my job!

My last working day is Christmas Eve, which I think is perfect timing. I am curently looking to buy a pair of Wellington Boots of my own.

Friday night we all went to see a firework display and a funfair at a local park. Mum in her wheelchair, my son on my boyfriends shoulders, my sister and her daughter. It turned out to be one of the best weekends ever.

We were a proper family.