Lead to Feathers

The news now is that after her Xray on Thursday, the cancer in her lung has grown back, they wern't expecting it to come back so soon.

They said that the chemo she had last time was the strongest you could have.

Next they need to do a CT scan next week and when the results are in for that they MAY be able to present her with some options.

Im not sure if Mum wants to go through any more, but I guess that we need to find out what these options are first.

They have give her some different pills and by all accounts is feeling a little better right now.

My heart felt like it was made of lead the other night. Funny how the emotional can become the physical. Just so heavy............. I had to leave the dinner table, I lost my appetite and I couldnt control my tears.

As I put my son to bed, I sat there in the dark and started thinking about things.

Who are we to play God with people's lives? Is it selfish to keep going with treatment when in the end you know its pointless and that the outcome will be the same, surely we are just delaying the inevitable?

In the end I think she went through all this treatment just bargaining for time. And yet what have we done with it?

I want her to keep fighting for my own selfish reasons.........like I said in the last post, Im not ready for her to go yet. Theres too much for us to do and see. I want her to be there at my wedding in June. I want to have a happy Christmas without the fear that it might be her last. I want her to see my son grow up.

When I come downstairs, my boyfriend started talking about the wedding arrangements.

As we talked, my heart changed from feeling like lead to being as light as a feather. Im so glad I have someone that has the ability to do that.

Friday, I think I managed to see things a bit more rationally.

After talking to my friend who's Dad has just passed, I feel grateful that the doctors have been able to at least try and extend her life. As sad it is, and I'm trying to help her cope with her grief, it is has helped me to put things in perspective immensly.

Even though it could be start of the slippery slope for Mums health............we knew this.
We knew there was no cure, we knew we were just bargaining for time.

I know it isn't over yet, there may still be another option. What, I do not know. I guess we are back in this limbo again until we have another meeting with the oncologist.