Her spirit seems to have vanished. When I went over, she was in asleep in her bed in the front room. But coughing badly and bringing up a lot of pleghm.
I didnt realise she was that bad or I wouldnt have took my son. I felt guilty for taking him as I dont believe it is an environment he should be in though I know when she is having a good day he does perk her up a bit and brings a smile to her face. I have always said that when things get really bad I will stop taking him.
I didn't see her yesterday as I thought that Christmas and Boxing day was so hectic I she might want a break.
When we was alone tonight, she told me that has given up. She is sick of it, she just wants it to be all over. Sick of keeping her head covered, sick of the discomfort, coughing, pills, doctors, not eating everything. She said, 'I just wish I knew what day it was going to happen'.
She also said that she didnt really remember Christmas, she remembers everybody being there but not really much else.
Christmas day she spent most of the day dozing off sat up in her armchair, she struggled to open her presents. All of her physical strength seems to be vanishing.
I think it was all more for us than her really.
Boxing day all the family came to mums, I know we had a few real belly laughs and it was good, mum seemed a bit perkier than usual.
On the night time my sister came to my house for festive drinks but ended up in tears. What the hell am I meant to do to help her get through this?
Today, Mum's sense of humour seems to have gone. Even the cheeky glint in her eye was dimmer than I ever recall seeing it. Instead a pained expession on her face.
I think my boyfriend is worried about me, he thinks because Im not crying or openly upset by it all now that it may hit me very hard later.
Maybe he's right, what breaks my heart is when I tell my son we are going to granny's and he says 'Granny - Poorly'
It makes me so sad that he will be asking where she is one day soon and he won't understand.
I have always tried to stay cheerful throughout all this but tonight I just can't be. Im not upset, just meloncholy, unsettled, like I'm waiting for something.
Ive been listening to music while writing this and funny I never took notice to some of the lyrics to one song but I have just brought them up on the internet, they are :-
Oh these feet carry me far. Oh my body. Oh so tired.Mouth is dry. Hardly
speak. Holy Spirit rise in me.Here I swear, forever is just a minute to me.I'll
take everything in this life.I'll join everyone when I die.Have my body. Have my
mind. Have my coat. Take my time.These I borrow. Borrow so far. Turn to dust.
Fall apart.Here I swear, forever is just a minute to me.I'll take everything in
this life.I'll join everyone and understand.'Cause all men die. 'Cause all men
die.I'll take everything in this lifeI'll join everyone since I'm gonna dieI'll
take everything in this lifeI'll join everyone 'cause all men die
If you want to llisten the song is called I'll Take Everything by James Blunt..........................maybe thats why Im so sad tonight.
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