Useless

I feel so useless tonight

Mum seems to be getting worse, I saw her on Friday and then again tonight. Tonight she seems drowsy, falling asleep at the drop of a hat.

Friday she was fine, perky and still herself, laughing and making jokes.
There is a really weird patch of hair central to her head that has grown back, in a perfect square! We were laughing about it.

Tonight though, I dont know, she hardly spoke and was just watching television not really bothered who was there and not really with any of the conversation.

I cant spend as much time there as I would like as my son gets bored easily and I can't settle with the dog in the house. I feel so useless, with the practical stuff.

The bed is being delivered on Wednesday which I think will be a good thing. I know that my sister said that she has been drifting off to sleep on and off all day.

I had a look at how much morphine they had all been giving her and it seems ok and in fact could do with being increased as she is in pain in her chest today and also upper stomach.

She didnt seem bothered that we were even there today.

I really get the sense its all coming to the final stages.

Tonight I have been reading a book and choosing readings for her funeral. Tomorrow I plan to take my pc round with my internet connection while my boyfriend babysits. We need to listen to some music but sometimes Mums house is so hectic, you dont have the time to get emotional so I think this will be a good opportunity to maybe reflect & choose.

I have planned some really great readings and music that I will present everybody with tomorrow.

I know Im not useless, far from it, maybe my role in all this is to be the conducter to the orchestra, ........but it doesn't stop you from feeling useless though does it?