Morphine

Apparantly Sunday Mum didnt eat or drink anything.

The pain in her chest where her lymph nodes are, is hurting her, she says its like swallowing razor blades.

As I was away for the weekend I didnt get to see her until yesterday.

After I took my son to playgroup there was a phone call from my brother saying that mum seemed pretty bad. He has been trying to give her something to eat and drink and she doesnt want it.

Myself and my sister both went around to mums.

I asked if we had another appointment at the oncologist and we have, but its 6th January 2011 and they said that she doesnt have to attend if she doesnt want to.

I was just thinking do we need to know whats going on inside her chest? Do we need an xray to see the extent of the spread? Surely if its now causing pain this means thats its either grown of its pressing on something. What the hell is going on in her body?

I was trying to establish why she wasnt eating or drinking, was it the taste? The pain in her chest? Frightened of being sick? Just not hungry? She couldnt really give me a proper answer so I can only assume that its a combination of all of them.

I was trying to explain to mum that she really does need fluids. She can manage without food for a few days but you just cant survive without liquids. I said that if she didnt try they would probably get her an intravenus line in and a bag of saline.

I asked about the pain in her chest and she said it was still hurting but not as bad as it was the day before, We all agreed that maybe we should start a very low doseage of morphine just to take the edge off for her.

We all feel that once you start on Morphine it is the start of the slippery slope and a rapid descent to deaths door so we agreed on a very low dose.

I read all the instruction leaflets that came with the bottle of Oramorph. The instructions said take 2.5 - 5 ml maximum of 4 times a day.

I know after I had my back operation in 2004 that in the recovery suite they gave me some morphine and it was great! It was all so hazy, I remember being able to hear what was going on and not even have the energy to open my eyes longer than a couple of seconds.
I remember after they had give me some I was lying there and hearing the name of one of the nurses through the drug induced stuper I was laughing and the nurse asked me what was funny, I asked 'Is that lady REALLY called Wilma?' When she said yes I was laughing. All I could think of was the flintstones.

So in light of this inside knowledge about morphine and knowing that mum has to keep lucid enough to drink something we decide to try her on half a ml.
They give you like a syringe (without the hyperdermic) to get it out of the bottle.

I measured it to half a ml and she squirted it in her mouth.

She said it didnt taste too bad really.

After about half an hour she asked me gor a little bit more - which my sister measured out for her, as it was the first time she did it she asked me if it was the right amount in the syringe.

So in total mum had 1ml of Morphine.

Not long after she fell asleep.

The Macmillan nurse was scheduled to come today (Tuesday) anyway. My sister phoned and left a message saying that we need possibly a few things with her visit, like a build up starter pack etc.

We have managed to obtain a visit from the GP aswell as some point today.

As my brother is on nights at the minute my sister stayed at mums last night, when she arrived she said mum was drugged up to high heaven.

Apparantly my brother had give mum a 2.5ml dose of morphine at 7pm, instead of the 0.5 - 1ml we had agreed on.

My sister said that mum looked like Stacy Soloman, her teeth looked too big for her head cause she was SO drugged. And she was falling asleep before getting to bed.

I spoke to my sister on the phone last night and I have now made like a drug chart to keep with the morphine which says day, date, time, ml and who.

Hopefully this should now avoid any future mishaps or overdosing.

This sudden deterioation does leave me questioning whether mum will actually make Christmas or not, if she does, is she going to be lucid?

Im ok, Why am I not upset by all this? Sometimes I feel very detatched from the situation and matter of fact about it all. When people say, 'oh im so sorry to hear about your mum' my response is alway the same ' well its part of life'. I dont know if people are shocked by this or not but the deathly silence after my response gets me every time.

My sister cried yesterday at playgroup when someone asked about my mum.

I want her to enjoy what we have left, theres lots of time 'afterwards' for tears. I cant do anything for her though but let her deal with it her own way. Come on sis..........enjoy every minute you spend with her. Please....