Bad Day

Mums had a bad day today. God its so up and down, there really is no consistancy to how she feels.

Yesterday I saw her briefly as I had husband to be and my son in tow on the way back from a walk. She was enjoyng my son being there for a short while but I think our visit was just enough.

She didnt seem too bad. Then today her pain is getting worse and my sister said she is saying some weird things, like.............'why is everything green?' and 'Whats that smell?, smells like green'.

I went over because I think her pain medication needs reviewing, I think the others are sacred of giving her the morphine tablets again because they knock her out but I think she needs them now, better to be out of it rather than be in pain.

When I went she wanted to clean herself up a bit so i got her a new change of clothes and underwear and left her to it. She was taking ages so i shouted her to see if she was ok. She was falling asleep mid change.

She wanted to talk about the funeral costs and finances,but she kept falling asleep again.

As I left I said 'I'll see you tomorrow' for the first time she grabbed my hand and kissed it and said 'I hope so'.
She really feels like its coming to an end now.

The gp is meant to be coming tomorrow.
Hopefully now the new year things will start moving. The ocupational therpay team are meant to be coming at some point to show us how to assist mum in bathing and lifting and things. If they feel it necessary they will refer us to social services that will provide a carer.
Heres the big joke............. they need to come and do a health and safety risk assessment before they send anyone to actually do anything.

Health and safety gone mad......but I do understand that if mum weighed 20 stone then sending a 8 stone waif of a carer would do more harm than good etc.

Funny, I have stayed so strong and no even shed a tear throughout Christmas and for a good while.
Just writing this blog I have had to stop go upstairs and compose myself.

I never told you what I got Mum for Christmas, well one of her gifts anyway. I had won at Church's raffle a packet of 3 photo frames. so I found a photo of me, my sister and my brother, all separately, the pic of me was building a snowman in my back garden last year, I remember Mum said that she had never seen me that happy, ever.
The pic of my sister was on a night out and the pic of my brother he was sky diving, but a picture of his face, laughing on his way down.

I put a sticker on the front of the 3 photos, now in the 3 little frames, saying 'all looking happy'

I must admit when I wrapped this present up it put a lump in my throat and brought a small tear to my eye, but just now..............I broke my heart, talking with my boyfriend about our combined parenting skills. I think its all any parent could ask for isnt it? Just that our children grow up to be healthy, well balanced and most of all happy?

The one thing that keeps cropping up in conversation is I really dont know how people with no family manage.

I read a comment on my last post, from a man who has lung cancer. You know I always thought this blog would be read by friends, and people with family members with cancer in the hope that I could say,'you are not alone'. I cant believe I was so naive, it never crossed my mind that people with Lung cancer might actually read it too.

I am honoured that he reads it, and I really wish him and his family all the best. Im glad it makes him smile form time to time, and hope I can make him smile again.