Depressed

I feel depressed today. Maybe I have for a few days.
I have loads of emails, texts and messages on facebook, I even started screening my calls, any danger of serious talk...........I ain't answering. I havn't replied to my messages because I really cant be bothered. Ive been so exausted for no reason whatsoever, just so tired all the time.
I have spent most of the day in bed.

The other day I asked mum if she could go back, would she accept the treatment again, knowing what we know now. I dont know if she knew what I was asking and I didnt get a proper answer.

All along I have always said a massive, positive YES of course it has, it has bought us time together.
We KNEW that the chemo was never meant to be a hope of cure. We KNEW that this stage would eventually come. But now, everything, the chemo, the radiotherapy on the brain, trips to the hospital, everything, it all seems so pointless.

Maybe we should have let her go, the palliative care would have been the same. Maybe the buying time is just so we can all get our head around the situation. Why delay the inevitable?

I know that theres no going back, we can't change our decisions. But I just cant help but wonder what we would have chosen if we could choose again.

Its not right is it? being helpless while watching mums body gradually shut down.

Ive been so angry, maybe angry is the wrong word, just get easily het up about things that are beyond my control. Stupid little things ........like supermarkets, councils, not being able to spend as much time as I would like to with mum. The first two examples, my boyfriend is a great help. Makes me see things rationally, at the times when I feel completely irrational.

The last one though, I have to tell myself that even if spent more time with her what would I do anyway? Her general care is being taken care of, what does she need me for? nothing..........I would probably just sit there and I dont think we can really have a proper conversation now anyway.

Always tried to see the positive throughout this situation...............Right now........this situation........wheres the positive?