Pathway

Its been a rough few days since my last post.

Mums still hanging on, but it may only be a matter of a day or two now.

The driver now has diamorphone aswell as the anti sickness drugs.

Mum has started the biological stages of dying. She is having the odd hallucinations like having a drink from her fist, like a child pretending to have a drink.
Last night she told my sister that she had seen angels and reached out. She has been saying things like 'Not Yet' and asking for her mum.

Her body seems to have stopped absorbing fluid and she is now drinking from a 5ml syringe, but sometimes this just dribbles back out again.

I was very angry this morning, wound up. I just want to help my sister, be there for mum and do my bit but Im so limited with my little boy. I dont know what I can do to help. She needs rest too. Its almost like having a new born baby again. My sister is sleeping in an armchair at the side of mums bed.

I have been finding it difficult to be upset at times. A lot of what made my mum, my mum is being consumed by the cancer. Sometimes I look at her and see a shell. Her eyes no longer bright but sunken, a mouth that is now a grimace or a snarl rather than a laughing smile.
What once was a happy size 18 is now just bone, hardly any supporting muscle.

She didnt recognise my boyfriend yesterday though she does recall seeing him before. Then tonight my cousin came and Mum knew him instantly. There are moments of complete coherancy, perfect speech and lucidity. Granted, these moments are few and far between but they are still there.

Today I have stayed most of the day. Macmillan came and suggested that mum is put on a 'pathway'. I wasnt entirely sure what this is all about, all sounds a bit dodgy to me. But once the district nurses came they explained that it was like a checklist that they use in hospices when it is coming to the last few days of someones life.
One of the district nurses said that it makes the end a lot nicer and easier, though Im not entirely sure how a checklist can do either of these things.

The nurse that came out today said that she didnt feel that mum was ready for the pathway, so it hasnt been done yet. The speed in which mum has deterioated in the past few days, I am really preparing myself for the worst. My car is reversed into the driveway just in case I need to go anywhere in the middle of the night.