A Rock and a Hard Place

Last night was possibly the strangest night of my life.

I had arranged for my boyfriend to have my son and I went to mums.

She had been restless before I got there. Shouting the word 'Mam' and reaching out.
My sister said this was the most distressing day so far.
When mum was reaching out though she had her hand on the controls that raise the bed. (good job my sister managed to stop her from pushing them!)

When I had got there about lunchtime, mum was in a comatosed state. They had started mum on the 'pathway'.
Apparantly this pathway is also known as an 'ICP' or intergrated care plan

They ran through with us who we need to phone when mum eventually does pass.

She doesnt respond at all now and breathing is pretty shallow and quite fast, with the odd groan thrown in.

She is lay on one side facing the window though her eyes are closed.
I was sat in the chair behind her for a few hours last night on my own. When my sister returned to gather some things from her house, mum was hot. I hadnt realised. I had left the central heating on and mums cheeks had become flushed.

We all stayed awake as long as we could and talked, laughed and cried. I did get told off though at one point as I didnt realise I had my foot on mums catheta draining tube. Ooops
We have had to find things to laugh at during all this. Although sometimes it has felt a bit wrong to be laughing. I honestly think that mum would have been laughing with us.

During the evening her face started to change, all lines dissapeared from her face and she looks rested now. Her chest started 'rattling' and I lept up thinking'oh my god is this it?'
It wasnt though, the rattle went of its own accord after about 40 minutes.
The evening nurse said that if the rattle comes back and gets too distressing they can come and give her some drug that clears it.

There was myself, my sister and my niece there and we stayed all night. We tried to take it in turns to sleep, but it was just awful. At one point I ended up on the floor at the bottom of mums bed with a quilt but I didnt sleep. I was listening to her breathing, then I was dreaming, then the sound of the driver made me jump.

At 5.30am I decided just to sit in the chair. I suppose it was then I started thinking...............

My mind wouldnt stop..........At first last night I thought I would like to be there when mum took her final breath, now Im not so sure.
I know mum said numerous times to me that she wasnt bothered who was there at the end.

I think your mind starts to play tricks on you, a felt a breeze on my left arm no matter where I sat. Then I was hoping there wasnt some big dramatic exit and a wail fom mum. Hoping that she wouldnt go while it was just me in the room. I felt brave while we were all there. I felt scared.

I couldnt wait till daylight, I dont know what difference that makes but I was relieved when my sister woke up in the next room after her 3 hours of sleep, and daylight came.

I came home this morning, I have been missing my son. Its like having split loyalties, when Im at mums I want tobe here. When Im here I want to be at mums.

Considering my mum was so inpatient I can believe she is hanging on like this. I told her when we was alone today that it was ok, she can go when she is ready.

Part of me hopes I am there when it happens, I wonder what mum thinks? Is she hanging on for none of us to be there...........Is she hanging on for ALL of us to be there? I dont know, this is it isnt it? A rock and a hard place. I want her to go soon, but I also want her to hang on.