Rollercoaster

I was thinking that it was all bound to get me down in the end, and I think its quite understandable that my last post was me feeling so down.

I think the blog really helps me as its a way of self counselling if you like. Last night I thought that unfortunatly this blog seems to be becoming more about me and my feelings rather than mums illness. But then I thought, the two are one and the same arn't they?
I felt ok again after my downer, it is so sporadic! When people talk about an emotional rollercoaster, they arnt wrong.

However, I only like rollercoasters if they look safe. I prefer the corkscrew at Alton Towers to the old rickety Grand National at Blackpool.
I guess what Im trying to say is that I dont mind being turned all upside down, let go from the top, free wheeling, as long as I feel safe with them big over shoulder harnesses holding you in.
I guess the irony to this analagy is that the corkscrew has now been dismantled.

Monday Mum didn't get out of bed all day. We called to see her and ended up in her bedroom for the duration of the visit.
She has been making it upstairs in the evening to go to bed as the hospital bed hurts her hips so she has been using the bed downstairs for during the day.

She said yesterday though, was her worst day. She feels so poorly. She wants to go now. She has truly had enough. She said she wishes it was over one way or another. She had made is downstairs but just sat there drifting in and out of sleep.

She doesnt want to move. She made us cancel the trip to the hospice. She isnt waking up until about 1pm every day so sending a bus for her at 9.30am would be a bit difficult to get her up and ready.

We really do need help now. After I have finished writing this I need to make some phone calls.
Mum needs cleaning, and we need help. No one is doing what they said they would. Offering a comode (which we dont need) isnt good enough. Im afraid by the time they get around to doing the assesment for a carer to come and bathe mum or help us. I think it might be too late.

Then this gets me thinking too about all the different drugs that mums taking. What the hell is the point in steroids and anti biotics when she just wants to go?
Why doesnt anyone speak the truth? Like, it may only be a few days.....weeks......just tell us something!!!

Everything that is happening seems to everything that mum was afraid of happening. She is losing her dignity, we are having to do things that I dont think we should be doing. It doesnt bother us really, its our mum after all but with all this 'support' that people keep saying is out there then surely it shouldnt have to come to this, that we feel like we are begging for assistance.